Gone so soon..

There are always going to be those people in your life that have shaped your path in one way or anyother. Sometimes you don't even know how much they have effected your life plan, and sometimes it's negatively, but it's the positive ones that will always hold that special place, even if it was years ago. Today I found out that my favorite teacher passed away, and too soon at that. Without question he shaped my life. He was my main authority figure for my most vulnerable years; grades 6 through 8. I remember him being so hilarious in class, and then when it was time to be serious, we could all sense the shift in his voice, and so we sat up straight and listened intently on his every word. There was one time when he got mad at me, yelled at me in the hallway, and I felt so awful. I hung my head in shame as I walked back into the classroom, and couldn't help but think I had really let him down. That night I even went home and cried, but he didn't hold grudges, and the next day we were back to the same old banter. When I was in grade 8, he chose me to be the class valedictorian, and helped me with my speech. When it came time for the ceremony, he surprized me with the award of "Christian Spirit". It made me aware that he believed in me, that someone out there other than my parents believed in me. After that I didn't see him that often, and the last time I saw him was the following Fall, when he came to my high school for a meeting. I remember I was outside smoking and when I saw him I went to give him a hug, and I knew that he was dissapointed in me. I made up some stupid excuse as to why I was smoking, but I knew we both knew the truth. Again I felt awful. I think that was the last conversation I had with him too, and that was almost 15 years ago. But still, he will always hold that place in my heart. He forever shaped my life, he was someone I truly looked up to and respected. He believed in me and that's all that mattered. I can only imagine how many others have similar stories. He really was the "Morrie" to so many students. He will be missed.

It really makes you want to cherish those that are in your life at this moment. You never know when you'll lose touch, and in another 10 or 15 years, I could be sitting here, or somewhere, and reminiscing about someone that is in my life right now. It also makes the small things (like weight loss) seem so petty. Tonight I hugged my daughter and husband a little tighter and spent that extra moment staring into each of their eyes and telling them just how much I love and appreciate them. I know my daughter is too small to understand, but you don't need to talk to feel love.

To work or not to work?

Well another Christmas come and gone. Although this one was by far the best one because of our baby. She was so excited when she got each gift, and she has litterally spent the last two days playing with all her new toys. She looks so grown up, playing on the floor. She doesn't even notice that we are in the room! She got a baby doll for Christmas and when she opened the pkg she said 'BABY!' which pretty much melted my heart. The family left this morning, and I've spent the day trying to organize all the new items into our lives. My husband bought me a beautiful painting which we hung over the couch. It has so many pretty colors, and is very calming and relaxing. I love it!

On another note, I'm starting to pannick about my maternity leave coming up in February. I'm now faced with the same dilema every new Mom has; to go back to work or not...I am litteraly having nightmares about leaving my baby with someone else, that I won't be the one to teach her things, to spend this precious time with her, but at the same time, I need money because I have accumulated debt over the years that I just don't think my husband should be paying for. It's these things that they don't tell you about when you have a baby. I thought for sure by the time my baby was approaching a year, I would be fine to leave her with a daycare, but she's still so small..I saw a dream job posted today and I'm torn as to what to do..Do I apply, even though i don't really want a full time job that starts..ahhem..in JANUARY! I'm still nursing, and she's still getting up once to twice a night, and I just signed up for swimming lessons and two strollersize classes and bla bla bla..I could go on forever for the reasons why I shouldn't apply. But there are two very big reasons why I should apply..1) Because it's a dream job, it's something I would LOVE and would be good at. 2) It will give me my maternity leave next year when I plan to have another baby, and even job security for when I need to go back again...ugghhh what to do, what to do?

My husband said there is no harm in sending in my resume, and if I get an interview, go and sell myself, and if they really wanted me they may be willing to compromise..i.e less hours, start later..Here's hoping..unless I win that lottery..along with everyone else in the world..

The Holidays are Joyful!

I woke up this morning feeling better about myself. I'm not sure if it's that Christmas is approaching and so I'm focusing outwardly instead of on myself for a change, but I feel better and when I got dressed, instead of picking out an awkward outfit that used to fit and I try to squeeze into, I gave in a wore a comfortable hoodie with jeans..and to my surprize, I looked in the mirror and looked the slimmest I've looked yet! Which is strange because the scale says I've gained 2lbs. Oh well. My plan is not to be too serious over the holidays, afterwards the gym is closed a lot of the time, the snow is too much for me to exercise outside, and with holiday eating what's the point in trying to diet! BUT, my plan is that after Christmas, I will do a strict diet and exercise regime leading up to my sister's wedding, which is Feb. 06th. That gives me a little over a month to lose my 10lbs..which I think is doable, so long as I stick to the plan. I need to buy my dress, which I think I'll go between Christmas and New Years to get the really good deals. And I'll make sure to buy one size to small which will MAKE me lose the weight. 10lbs would make me so much happier. I wouldn't feel so disgusting when I get dressed in the morning, when I take my baby to the pool, when I visit with my other friends who don't have kids and look fabulous and skinny and don't even NEED to diet! Ughh..Pregnancy really does change your body, it's all worth it though. I am so in love with my little baby girl. She is just so smart and sweet. She's not even 9 months old and we ask "What does Santa say?" And she replies "Ho Ho Ho!" So cute!

I think I need to get it out of my head that I'm still a size 2. My new goal is just to slim out the middle. That's really all I need. I don't care what the scale says, or the size, so long as I'm happy with what the middle looks like in jeans. NO MORE MUFFIN TOP!

The Weather Outside is Frightful!

Looks like Winter came in with a bang this year! I can't believe that just last week there was still no snow on the ground, and I actually thought to myself "there might not be snow for Christmas". But when I look outside today it's a completely different story! It's also keeping me housebound, which I have mixed feelings about. Sometimes it's nice to have the excuse of 'oh it's just too bad outside to go anywhere', and I can stay in my pj's all day and drink hot chocolate and clean my house. But then with a 9 month old that is very curious and is constantly getting into EVERYTHING it's nice to break up the day with going out and spending time visiting, going to my Mom group, strollersize..anything to keep her busy!

After much thought I've decided not to go back to the gym during the day anymore, which is really putting a damper in my plans to lose weight. But after two times of having my daughter nearly choke on something, I have to put my interests aside and look out for whats best for her. I mean, where do I draw the line? Do I let this keep happening until she does actually choke? So I've been going in the evening, which is difficult because a) I have to wait for either Hubby to get home or my Mom to come over, and b) the weather gets worse at night for driving and my gym is 15 minutes away, and c) it's right at dinner time which is when things are pretty busy around here..

Oh well, I'll survive. Maybe in a few months when she is a little older and can realize what SHOULD go in her mouth and what SHOULD NOT. Granola bar wrappers should NOT! uughh.

Anyway, it's beginning to look like Christmas around here, and I'm getting excited for my first Christmas with my little girl. She already loves the decorations and the tree, I can only imagine what she'll do with all the presents!

As for my weight, well I have been pretty good this week so far but still I feel very frumpy and lose in the middle. It's nice to hear members at the gym tell me that I'm looking good, but I actually don't believe it myself so I almost think they are lying to me. I've been doing my exercise videos at home all week with classes every evening so far..But of course it's dinner time that kills me, with that oh so delicious comfort food your mothers warned you about..But it's so delicious! And who wants to eat a salad in December...also the deserts have been calling my name lately too. I wish I was allergic to all things yummy then I would have no problem saying no. What I really need for Christmas is a Personal Trainer and Dietician to come to my house..Here's hoping :)

I haven't been doing so well lately, which is why I haven't blogged in awhile. I've been really dissapointed in myself, and I keep making excuses for myself. Excuse #1: It's the holidays, Excuse #2: It's snowing outside, and finally Excuse #3 I was sick last week...oh and Excuse #4 my daughter swallowed something in the daycare at the gym..that last one isn't so much of an excuse as it is a reality, and quite frankly I am a little hesitant to bring her back there as it's the 2nd time it's happened. That said, I included it as an excuse because it didn't mean that I had to stop exercising altogether. I have PLENTY of exercise videos at home, the weather was nice enough outside to go for walks up until Saturday, and I could've gone to other programs where I bring her (i.e strollersize). So I'm starting fresh today, and so far so good. I woke up, had breakfast (Cornflakes and coffee..not together). Then when my baby was sleeping I did a 20 minute Yoga Booty Ballet video. For lunch I had homeade chilli and a yogurt for dessert. As a snack this afternoon I had celery sticks with fat free ranch dip. Tonight I'm heading to the gym for my regular weight training class while my Mom watches my baby girl. It's always after the class thats the challenge, as I come home starving and need dinner quickly. That's when I grab something bad for me and it continues on into the night with ice cream, a glass of wine, popcorn etc. I hate that when it gets cold out I automatically want comfort foods. I have been eating tons of warm baked cookies, casseroles and drinking tons of hot chocolate!

My sisters wedding is officially 2 months away and in that time I have to get through Christmas and New Years. I still really want to lose 10lbs, though since I've started this blog I've lost 6lbs which isn't so bad. Still, I think I have more than 4 more go to to be as confident as I used to be.

So there it is, I'm trying to get back on track and I'm really needing some sort of boost of confidence.
I'm not sure what I need to get me going again. It's a feeling I need, that when I crave those crappy foods I can get that feeling or see that image of myself skinny and have the willpower to say no. We'll see..so I have a couple weeks to be good, then Christmas to be bad, then 6 weeks after the holidays to really do damage control! Here goes!