Getting Back to Me

2011-02-13T11:10:00.000-08:00

Side note before I begin: I decided the meditation 'debriefings' needed their own blog, so if you are looking for more of these posts they can be found at greenteakindofday@blogspot.com..
There, now 'getting back to me'...

Today I started using the Wii Fit. Interesting, and there things I both love and hate about it.. Firstly, I think it's great that you set goals for yourself, and that they are measureable. What a great way to keep on track! Although I can also see how annoying this might get if I decide to slack a bit.. BUT that's the point right? I set a goal for myself that I wanted to lose 10lbs in the next 3 months...which would be middle of May. Doable? I believe so! The other great thing is that you can adjust your goal if need be, but I like that goal and would like to stick with it..The exercises are fun and I can see playing them with company over too or with my daughter as she gets to be a bit bigger. It's something I think has lasting capabilities in our house, however I don't see it as something that will be used on a daily basis..but more of a 'fun toy' every so often. That being said, I am going to try to use it as often as possible to reach my goal, and then we'll see where it goes. Besides, by May I'll be able to go outside for exercise which is what I would prefer anyway..
A few dislikes; For the 20 minutes I actually spent exercising, it took me the better part of an hour to navigate through the system, with positive messages and tips along the way. I would much rather if they gave these tips to me after the entire workout.. that way I can choose to skip if I don't have time and yet it's still measuring my results for me.. I originally that this would be something I could do before work in the mornings, but it will take me too long.. I think I'll stick with my 20 minute Yoga DVD, or my 'walk away the lbs' which is also 20 minutes. So my challenge is now trying to find a time when I can utilize this fantastic weight loss tool, with many obstacles in the way, including a 2 year old, a husband and one television that we all share in the evenings. Also, Wednesdays I have Zumba which I'll mark as my daily dose of exercise, and Thursdays I have my Meditation classes, which is just a different form of exercise..probably won't help with the weight loss department, however it's said to help improve cravings and how we see food.
So as you can see I'm still struggling with this whole weight issue. The problem isn't that I'm overweight, in fact, Wii Fit told me today I was within a 'healthy and normal BMI' for my age. The issue is that I'm not feeling as good as I used to in a bathingsuit, and yet I love food too much to give up all the deliciousness I crave so much! Around the time of my wedding I was doing so well, and I lost 6lbs in a month! But then the weight slowly krept back during the Fall and now that it's February, I'm back to the size I was pre-wedding diet. But that's ok! I have a plan for the next few months that I'm hoping will motivate me to be leaner and fitter and overall happier. I have three weddings to go to this summer, two of which I am a bridesmaid. This means dress fittings, lots of pictures etc. HUGE motivation to lose the weight! Also, I'm wanting to start trying for another baby shortly after those weddings, and the last thing I want is to tack more weight on my body and have double to lose when I've had a 2nd child. If I think I don't have time to work out NOW then I definitely won't have any time to try to lose weight post 2nd baby..
So today marks the beginning (in Wii land anyhow).. February 13th..as good a day as any to begin.. 10lbs down in 3 months. May 13th. Everytime I go for an unhealthy snack I will just think MAY 13!!! Here goes!

2011-01-20T18:46:00.000-08:00

I've been taking meditation classes on Thursday evenings, and so here I am fresh from my class, wanting a place to debrief..so here goes..
We pile into a small room that used to be somewhat of a library when I was a kid. But now it's filled with exercise balls, yoga mats, positive messages posted all over the walls, and a big open space to be filled with your pastime-du-jour. Our teacher is a round faced gentle speaking woman in her mid 30's. She's not what I typically thought of when I signed up for Meditation classes. I expected an asian monk in white robes guiding me towards a pure mind. Instead this kind woman sits at the head of the class, joking about scenarios we deal with in a day, but yet constantly driving home the message of obtaining a virtuous mind.
Last week was my first class, and we talked about 'watching your mind' and choosing your thoughts. And so that is exactly what I did, and something strange happened...I really started noticing how negative I actually am. And if what she says is true, this negativity is leaking into other aspects of my life; my health, my relationships etc. And for what? Why so angry at such meaningless situations? Last week she told us to choose a 'goal' to meditate on and mine was that I wanted to see more beauty in each day. Eventually, I'd like to go through each day with the attitude of awe and love, and not annoyance and sarcasm. Eventually I'd like to remove myself from situations that cause my mind to harm others with my thoughts and words. I'd like to see everyone for who they are and not just the person I perceive them to be by putting my negative characteristics on them.
Last Friday after I awoke from my meditative evening and deep sleep that allows follows those classes. I remembered my intent for each day. And as I was driving to work, the sun was just coming up, and as I stopped at the stop light I peered across the frozen lake and noticed a bear running from the lake into the woods. I couldn't believe my eyes! I'm so glad I chose to keep my mind alert to those types of things, otherwise I would've been busying myself at the stop light checkign my makeup in the rearview mirror, switching the radio etc. It truly was an amazing sight to see. As the week went on there were other things that caught my eye as well and so I'm glad that it's working so far. Our teacher was right, if you set an intent in your mind, and consciously be aware of it, it will happen.

Now onto tonight's discussion: Dealing with the Drama.

I was shocked to see the class size practically double from last week, but also slightly disapointed to see that they were mostly new people. Just a few of us returned from last week and I wondered why. Because the teacher is from out of town she didn't realise that the crowd was diffrerent, only that it had grown. But I noticed, and it bothered me which I guess is a lesson in itself. Why do I care what other people think of this class? Is it going to shape how I feel about it? I am on this journey because it's something I want to do for myself, so why should it matter if someone else didn't get anything out of it? But anyway..

Tonight's lesson was all about building drama's in our minds before anything ever happens in reality. We stew over things that are so miniscule 'what did she mean by that?' and create this huge drama inside our heads. Then when we see that person next time, we already have this preconceived notion about them that we've put on them. If you think about it, poor them! They can never win us over because we've already painted them as the 'bad guy'. She also gave the example of putting your hand inside the fire and getting burned. Well in reality, we all know that fire burns, and so we would never get mad at the fire. We might feel the pain and get iritated with ourselves for putting our hand too close, but it's not the fire's fault. That's what fire does; burns. So why get mad at a loved one for something that might have always been in their nature. For example, a husband that doesn't pick up his socks. Yes it's irritating, but when you first got together with him, it wasn't so bad...so why now is it the worst thing in the world! I can tell you from experience that nagging and yelling definitely doesn't rectify the situation. So why get mad? So this week I'm going to work on removing myself from situations before they turn into dramas, and also to continue to focus on virtuous objects throughout the day instead of focusing on negative thoughts.
Here goes!

2011-01-02T11:31:00.001-08:00

A change is happening, a shift inside me. It's hard to explain but I'll do my best to describe it. I've noticed it the last two days, which is odd because we're only 2 days into the New Year. It's definitely not one of those New Year's resolution kind of shifts, because I've never experienced this before. I've had glimpses of it; once when I was just a new mother, and I drove to the next town, I forget what for now, but as I drove this feeling came over me of sheer happiness. I had nowhere to be, no expectations of the day...I just saw that day for what it was; a beautiful day, with sun shining, snow melting, my baby and I driving, and all was calm and good. That lasted only a minute or so though, and yet these last two days that is all I have felt.

I noticed it yesterday as I was flipping through the channels on TV. I wasn't listening to the words they were saying, but rather focusing on the season in the background, and drawing my own fond memories of that season. For example, it was raining in one scene, I thought about the last good rain we've had here, and what I like to do on rainy days. And then I switched to a channel showing people on the beach and I thought 'ahh summer, I can't wait'. And these feelings washed over me of every summer I've ever had. It was amazing. Today, ( a dreery kind of day mind you) I drove to the grocery store and with coffee in hand I breathed deeply and thought 'ok, let's do this!' And as I shopped I really thought about each food I was choosing..where it came from, how many ingredients, and I found that I was drawn more to 'earthy foods'. Let me remind you this is not a New Year's resolution, I have no idea where this is coming from, but I'm enjoying this inner peace. It's almost as if my soul has made this resolution and forgot to tell me about it!

I started this blog as a new mother trying to lose weight and find her focus again, and now I'm heading into year 3 as a Mom, and I finally feel that I've found my old self again, and yet I'm changing every day. I can only hope this feeling of contentment stays within me, and I can learn to curb my focus each day to the things that matter to me. With practice and meditation I am learning to quiet my thoughts and choose my reactions to daily events. I'm excited to learn how to love everyone in my life for who they are. And to remove those negative ideas I've held over them for years.

Your world is what you create it to be. If you see beauty in others, they will see beauty in you.

2011 begins...with rain.

2011-01-01T11:17:00.001-08:00

Another year upon us. It's amazing to see all the positive messages on social networks, it's interesting to see this shift happening, where more and more of us are truly counting our blessings. I took a moment last night to look back at 2010, and the best moments..my sister's wedding and my own. Both of our babies turned 1, a new house and job for me. My brother's engagement. Overall, my family has had an amazing year, with health and wealth and happiness all around. It makes me believe 2011 can be even more wonderful so long as we keep positive and see all of our blessings for what they are. My brother will marry this July, and two of my good friends will also marry this summer. I'm hoping for baby news later this year from a few friends and family (myself included). More reno's to our house, and some summer holidays to relax at our beach. I can already see it all unfolding and the anticipation is a wonderful feeling. What more could a girl ask for?

Before the holidays I had two very strong messages 'sent' to me, and I'm trying to keep those in the forefront of my thoughts as this new year begins. The first message; I went to a Medium with my parents just a week before Christmas, and he looked at me and instantly said that I take on way too much. He had my personality down to a T. He validated that I get stressed out and take it out on loved ones, and that I need to cut back on all of those stressors. So, with that in mind I gave my notice at my (3rd) job. It felt so good to let something go, like a big weight lifted from my shoulders. And the thing is that I don't even need the money, I was doing it because I felt an obligation. Because I didn't want to leave anyone 'hanging', but can honestly say I feel better now that I have done it.
My 2nd 'message' first came with an email and phone call from Deepak Chopra's centre, inviting me to come to their workshop this Spring. I get these message often, and if I had the money and could afford the time off I had always been interested in going, however it's not feasible so I deleted both and went on with my day.But then I logged on to facebook and there was a message from a friend advertising a Budhist Meditation evening in our town, and so I asked her for details and I went home thinking about it but once again decided I couldn't take the time away from the house / little one at home etc. When I got home my Mom called and asked if she could spend some time with my daughter, and so I told her of the message(s) and she said 'clearly it's a sign that you should be going'. And so I did. And I'm so thankful that I did. In that hour I learned more about myself, my anger, my feelings towards others and how to deal with them, than I have in a really long time. It was so theraputic for me and I felt a strong sense of calmness when I returned. In fact, that night I slept a deep sleep and dreamt such vivid dreams, something that hasn't happened in a really long time.. I even find myself telling others of this experience which sparks such interesting conversations. I knew this was something I needed to do, and so now as 2011 begins, I've signed up to do every Thursday evening, and we shall see where it goes from here..
Here's hoping for a beautiful year

one pure moment...

2010-12-03T10:31:00.000-08:00

With the holidays coming, I've been started to stress out a little. And so the other day I decided that I need to relax, and that I'm getting worked up over things that in the grand scheme of things, is really very unimportant. Days will end and a new one always begins, and with it a new chance to get it right. So at the end of each day now, I think back over the day to any one moment I had that I truly felt at ease, or blessed, or purely happy. And since I've been recognizing these moments, I've noticed how many pure moments we actually have in the day. For example today; I'm home with child today because she was violently ill last night with the flu. Poor little bean has been so sick, and so I called in to my work to let them know I wouldn't be coming in. We had a visit at the Dr's this morning, which (to my surprize) went really well. He explained it wasn't anything terrible and just a virus that needs to run it's course. It was on the drive home, while babes was beginning to fall asleep in the back of the car, and I realized that the day was actually quite beautiful. It's sunny outside today (a rarity for Muskoka this time of year). But not only that, but yesterday had been a horrible snow storm leaving all the trees covered with thick heavy white snow. It truly was a winter wonderland. And as I drove peacefully down the road I started noticing blue jays on each bare branch I saw. I must have counted at least 10 on my drive home. They really are a beautiful bird, so bright and when noticed they actually stand out against the bland barren trees with such bright feathers. So as we come into the holiday season, I'm starting to really notice just how fortunate I am to be living in this beautiful part of the country, to be healthy and happy, to have very little (real) worries, and to have so many friends and loved ones around me. I encourage everyone to look around them for at least one pure moment in every day, and if you can have that, than everything will be alright...

2010-10-31T10:35:00.001-07:00

It's Halloween today. Its so nice to see our family traditions unfold before our eyes. And each year (so far) it becomes even more exciting. Last night we carved the pumpkin, and to see my little bean's face as we scooped out the seeds, and carved the face, she was so curious. Last year she was only 10 months old, so even though we still carved a jackolantern back then too, this year was priceless, and I can only imagine next year will be even better. Today I took our daughter to her first (ever) Halloween party. To see 10 little toddlers running around a play room in costumes is once again priceless. And its so neat to see her actually interacting with others her age, and almost forgetting that I'm even in the room. I'm anxious to see how tonight unfolds, as we take her for her first trick-or-treating experience, and then I guess it's on to Christmas!

2010-09-17T11:07:00.000-07:00

It's been just over a month since I've blogged, and let me tell you, my life feels years from where I was last month. Firstly, we're nicely settled in our new home and loving it. It's a modest bungalow but we've managed to make it look like a comfy home for the three of us, and one elderly siamese cat of course. This last month flew by in a blur of wedding appointments, house renovations, child starting daycare, job interviews etc. What a ride. However, I can happily say that today, I sit here in my new dining room, writing this as a happily (newly) married wife. I am starting a new full time job on Tuesday, and my little bean will be going to daycare full time. I feel like a whole new woman. The job itself isn't the most exciting when I explain it, but I'm just happy to be out there again, doing something. And of course the paycheques wouldn't hurt now that we have a house to pay for.. I was so excited that I did some 'back to work' shopping, which was much-needed. It seems that since I've had a full time job (where I didn't wear a uniform) the styles have changed dramatically, and even though I'm doing really well in the weight department, my size has also changed. Or shifted, rather.

The wedding was absolutely beautiful and so many people told me it was the best wedding they have ever been to. It's funny, we didn't spend much on catering; just a buffet-style. The room was quaint (a nice way of saying small and crowded...slightly dated). It rained all day, and yet everyone had a great time? I think it was a culmination of open-bar (always a plus!) and the dance floor being jammed all night. I saw people dancing that I had no idea had moves! My parents included! So we all had a great night, and I couldn't have asked for a better Wedding day. And now I'm somebody's wife. Crazy. Almost as crazy as being somebody's mother.

Speaking of my little bean, she's doing so well at daycare that I'm actually looking forward to going back to work. She asks every morning if we're going to see "Sam and Melissa" her daycare providers. She rhymes off each child in her 'class' every evening and has even named some of her dolls after them.

The job; Its a book keeping place, and I'll be doing mostly reception and intro to books. Which to me is exciting because I feel like its the one area that I need to update on my resume. Its such a handy skillset to have, especially up here where jobs are extremely limited. I feel like the more I can offer an employer, the more set-apart from the crowd I am. I picture myself walking into an interview with one of those all-in-one music machines strapped to my back. Except instead of a tambourine, it's an Advertising Degree, and instead of an achordian its Experience in Graphic Design. Anyway, it's another chapter in my life that I'm looking forward to. I'm facing it with a fresh face and eager to learn attitude. And not to mention I get to look cute in my back-to-work clothes. Wow a reason to blow-dry my hair, finally!

I guess that's it around here...I was feeling rather nostalgic today as I took my daughter for our last Friday morning free-swim. I kept thinking of last September and how she was only 6 months old. In fact, she had just learned to crawl. Time has flown by, as now she is not only walking but RUNNING everywhere, and can say full sentences! Everyone tells me she's very early to be doing that though.. Still, amazing what a year does to a small person like her. What will come of our lives by next September?

2010-08-04T08:49:00.000-07:00

Here we are in the middle of Summer in Muskoka. So beautiful. Although I feel like I'm not really enjoying it like I should. First of all, I have air conditioning in my house, which is nice don't get me wrong, but I feel like it's such a cop-out. If it's too hot I just go inside and turn on the air. I often don't even realise when people complain about the heat because I can easily escape it. I can't believe I'm saying this but I miss those days when it was so hot and you had to try every trick in the book just to keep cool. When I was a kid we used to eat dinner in the basement, fill the bath tub with cool water and turn a fan on to push that cool air into the house. Or what happened to running through sprinklers, picnics at the beach and sitting under a tree and reading... I sometimes even wear a sweater at work because the air is on too cold. It's ridiculous. And yet, I turn on the air..Also, I've been making a point of sleeping at night with our window open (and the air off of course) so that I can see the stars. I've realised that I used to always see the stars because I was out late with my friends at a bon fire or cottage dock etc. Now that I have a baby, I'm home after dark with nothing to do but watch TV or go to sleep. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love my family but I miss those things..so instead I'll gaze at the stars through my bedroom window and water the flowers while the baby naps. It's those things that 'Summer in Muskoka' is all about. And I heard some great advice the other day which was in regards to my upcomming Wedding but I think it applies to life in general; Take a moment. Look up. Smell the season. See everything around you, and take a breath. It all goes by so fast and you're left wondering where it all went. At least if you can recall the smell, and visualize the day(s) you'll be able to reflect on the moment forever.

2010-07-22T18:52:00.000-07:00

Today turned into one of those annoyingly frustrating days when I question my parenting and in turn my sanity. It started out well, I went to the city with two friends and baby in-tow to purchase a veil for the Wedding. I found this beautiful hair piece that completes the dress so I'm happy about that. The baby did wonderfully at the bridal shop, and then the mall where the girls and I shopped (briefly) for new outfits to wear to my bachellorette next Saturday. Afterwards we got a quick bite to eat, all the while baby girl doing amazing. Not one cry, not one temper tantrum. All in all, a successful trip. But because we were driving so much, her naps got all screwed up and when I got home I had to immediately go to a meeting with our caterer..poor girl had to wake up to yet another strange place with strangers looking at her etc. I felt horrible, that I had put her through that all day and so when we got home I gave her as much time as she needed to play round, run, jump, whatever she wanted to do. We ate dinner and played again. However because of the extra car-naps today she had no desire to go to sleep. Even though the bags under her eyes screamed 'I'm ready for bed', and she even asked for her bottle, still, nothing worked. And after an hour of trying every trick in the book, I decided a car ride should do the trick. So we piled in and drove to the nearest Tim Hortons before my drive-the-baby-to-sleep began. Funny how your mood can just change so quickly in a day; both from good to bad and visa versa. I was so miserable on my way to the coffee shop that everything around me irritated me; A guy walked across the road in front of my car even though my light was green. A dirty old man was smoking while riding a bicycle which annoyed me that his lungs probably ache. The guy in front of me at the drive-thru was blaring his shitty 90's rock music and I actually said aloud to myself 'nobody wants to hear that crap. Don't you know I have a baby that needs to sleep?' Of course he doesn't know that. And to be honest, the music wouldn't have bothered me at any other time. Oh and then he tried to pay with his debit card..honestly, I can't believe people STILL don't know that Tim Horton's doesn't take debit. Are you not Canadian? Because that is the only excuse. Ughh. At any rate, I got my coffee and began to drive, and put on Dave Matthews. The sun was setting and sure enough the eyes got heavier and heavier, and 5 minutes and half way through a medium double double, she fell asleep. Suddenly my mood had also improved! A cat ran across the road and I smiled. A mother and daughter were out for a walk and again I smiled. I drove down to the lake and saw the beautiful sunset, while Dave sarinated me in the background and all felt well. I noticed they were setting up for a festival by the water for the weekend and I thought 'oh that's nice, I'll have to venture down tomorrow to see it.' And then I looked in the rearview mirror at my baby asleep in her carseat and I thought 'wow she's so beautiful and peaceful when she sleeps.'

It's so funny how a mood can change. And then I got home...

She woke up on the way into the house. Managed to shush her back to sleep. Woke up when I put her in her crib. Rubbed her back. Tiptoed out of the room in super slow motion. She woke up. Rubbed her back again. Crawled out of her room after putting on the fan. Finally some peace and quiet. Then the cat meaowed in front of her door...

2010-07-15T08:05:00.000-07:00

Once again, it's been awhile. Life has been busy these days and I actually forgot all about posting, until today, I put the baby down for a nap and with all my chores complete for the day, I thought 'maybe I should post!'. Summer is definitely upon us, and with it; the heat. I'm not complaining though, I actually love the heat..I say that because I have a nice cool house to escape to though. I wouldn't want to work in it and feel for those who do..

Things around here are great. With less than 2 months to the Wedding, I'm feeling confident in the planning and with each day I cross one or two more tasks off my to-do list. It feels great! I've also been more aware of my food intake and have actually lost 3lbs in the past week and a half. I'm back working a few weekends at our local gym and so maybe that's helped me to be more health-concious. I actually saw a sign the other day that said '30% exercise, 70% diet' which was a HUGE eye opener for me. Here I thought if I worked my ass off at the gym that I could eat anything I wanted. Well I guess that's been my problem all along. So instead I've minimized my gym visits (for other reasons, not this).. But have also been taking a closer look at my calorie intake for each day, and I guess it's working for me..so far.. On a side note; funny how I start working at a gym and my exercise slows down..always the way! I know because my hubby is an Electrician and we have more burnt out light bulbs and fixtures without face-plates than anyone I know.

Time keeps slipping by too quickly and I've been thinking about what the future holds for our little family. We bought a new house and have been renovating for over a month now. It's starting to come together which is exciting and daunting at the same time. But with the Wedding underway and our baby being not-so-babyish anymore, I'm starting to think when will it be time to expand our family? For selfish reasons I'd like to wait a year, because I have a few weddings to go to next summer and would rather look good at them than puffy and exhausted! But also, losing this baby weight has been such a struggle for me, so I feel like I'd at least like to get back to a weight I find desirable before going and ruining all the hard work I've put in! I can see now why some women say 'to hell with it' and just wait until they are done having babies. Though those same women usually never lose their weight because once you give up; you give up completely. Good lesson in life I suppose.

Anyway, I don't have much to say other than things are moving along in our little lives here. The weather has been so beautiful and every day I feel so lucky to live in such a gorgeous part of the World. Or maybe everywhere is wonderful and we just need to open our eyes to such beauty.
Happy Summering to all!

2010-06-23T12:59:00.000-07:00

I saw a monk walking down the highway yesterday dressed in white and yellow robes, carrying a sign that read 'peace' in 5 different languages. He had a small drum that he was beating softly, possibly to the rythm of his footsteps. At first I thought I was dreaming, or actually, dying. I thought to myself 'this is it.' But I kept on driving, and eventually made it to where I was going, so I guess I wasn't dying after all. He's been a constant in my thoughts ever since though, and so I began to do some research and found out that he is in fact a monk walking for peace. He came to Toronto, Canada, and is walking the long and desolate highway north to where they are hosting the G8 Summit. What a beautiful sight to see, and yet if he were dressed in regular clothes and wasn't sporting the typical bald head of a monk, I would've thought he was crazy. I wish I could see him all the time as I feel that he would keep me in check during my daily routine. He's been spotted around Huntsville so I guess he made it to his destination, and apparently he will start a hunger fast and will only pray during the Summit, for peace, and for the environment. Strange, possibly, but admirable, absolutely!

Living in the small community where the G8 is being hosted is such a surreal experience, I have to admit. We're not used to seeing army trucks, RCMP officers wandering the streets, black SUV's with tinted windows etc. I have a few mixed emotions about it. It's exciting and you can tell there is a buzz around town about it, and yet it's also frightening, especially if you have children. Because we live in such a wooded area, (that is normally very peaceful) it brings an extra level of caution for security, and so many people I know who live on quiet cottage roads now have fatigued men running through their back yards and hiding in the bushes by their street signs. And on one level you know it's to keep you safe, but you have to ask yourself 'how do I know who is the 'good guys?' I can't help but think that maybe this was how World Wars were started; slowly at first, with almost unnoticeable shifts, which eventually grew and grew until it was evident that we were at war. And to top it all off, this afternoon we experienced our first-ever (to my knowledge) earthhquake. My first thought was possibly a bomb as an earthquake around here is just unheard of. And there have been several bomb threats already this week.. And once it was confirmed that it was in fact an earthquake, I started thinking of the irony of the G8 leaders coming here, and maybe there is just too much powerful energy in the air. And then I thought of my little monk again, and maybe his prayers were answered. After all you MUST make the environment a priority if in the middle of your Summit, if an earthquake rattles the earth beneath your feet.

So today is just the beginning, tomorrow will be hectic and then Friday; even worse. Thankfully I only work Mondays in the town of Huntsville so I need not worry about my personal safety, and extra traffic, and there's always the possiblity of a line of protesters that block the highways. Yes thankfully I'm home safe with my baby, and we had a lovely bike ride this afternoon, not feeling any effects of the earthquake, and tonight we will have a quiet evening making dinner and I am finally meeting a girlfriend for a drink at our bar on the lake, just down the street. But even though I'm out of Huntsville for the week, I'm still praying for those stuck in the chaos, and for those working to serve these leaders; a few of which I know.. and of course for my little monk, hoping he is safe and his message is heard.

2010-06-16T17:03:00.000-07:00

Once again I find myself lacking motivation...what is it with me and summer and ice cream? Not only does it taste delicious, but it's also a great way to spend an afternoon or evening, walking to the ice cream parlor, which just so happens to be on the lake, in this beautiful pavillion where the sun is setting...It's all of those things that draw me to the ice cream shop, but it's also starting to show up in my mid-section which I just can't have. Twice yesterday I noticed my hubby looking down towards my middle and when I glanced down after that I noticed exactly what he was staring at..a big 'muffin top' hanging over my jeans..eww. How could I not have known? And here I thought I was starting to look good! It MUST be the ice cream, because I've been using the Bowflex almost every night and I actually have been noticing a difference in my arms and legs, but I guess I'm just not working my middle enough. Also, I've stopped going to any exercise program, where I used to go almost every day..Although I still had my issues back then too.. Anyway, before I go on I'd like to clarify something.. When talking about my 'hubby' I don't actually mean 'husband' as we are not yet married. However, we have been together for 10+ years in total so I feel that to call him my 'boyfriend' or even 'fiance' sounds as though we have just met, and we share a child together, a home, a car payment etc. so I feel it's only right to call him my 'hubby'. The reason I'm coming clean with this little white lie (if you will) is that we are actually getting married (finally!) in September. After a 3 year engagement I might add...Anyway, so I bought my dress back in January and got it a size 4...which was small when I got it but I figured I was still breast feeding then and that I would definitely lose weight before my Wedding in September..Well now it's less than 3 months away, and I tried on the dress the other day. My own Mother (bless her heart) struggled with the zipper and mentioned to me that I might want to lose 'a few more pounds..' How many? I asked..and her reply; 10. 10 LBS!!! I can't believe I'm still struggling with this weight..my daughter is 15 months old now, I should definitely be back to my regular size by now..I can't believe it. And I'm so dissapointed in myself because I actually thought that I WAS back to my normal size. I guess I was just wanting to believe that, because when I step on the scale, it has not budged since my last bout at the Cabbage Soup Diet.

I'm done with setting goal dates and promises to myself and cyberspace. I'm done with feeling bad for myself in the evenings when I'm just way too tired to exercise. The truth is that I do want to lose 10lbs. I would love that. And if it happens that will be great. But it's not like I look terrible right now. I'm thinner and more fit than a lot of people who haven't had a child yet! And the bottom line is I'm happy. I'm having a great time with my daughter and my 'hubby' and those walks to the ice cream shop are priceless memories we'll cherish forever. You can't find a better place to watch the sun go down, and my daughter is learning all about water and sun and sky while we lick our ice cream cones. If I were to die tomorrow it's those memories I'd want my family to remember..Not me at the gym, me eating a salad, or not getting an ice cream but just sitting there.. And the truth is I thought the wedding dress looked great on me just the way it was! Ok yes the zipper WAS hard to do up, but once it's up it's up! When it comes right down to it, this is me. And I think I've finally accepted that.

2010-06-03T11:25:00.000-07:00

Last night I went to see SATC 2 with a girlfriend, and when we showed up at the movie theatre, I laughed to myself when we saw the line-up of mostly women, all with their posse of young stylish friends waiting to see the same movie. What was so funny to me was that most girls were dressed in their best outfits, and if you didn't know any better you would think that it was the hottest club we were all waiting to enter, not the movies! But once I settled in my chair and started nibbling on my twizzlers I started to feel bad that I had that reaction. After all, we women shouldn't be tearing each other down, but rather giving eachother confidence! And when I watched the movie and saw all the beautiful (sometimes over-the-top) clothing, I thought that it's nice to actually look 'put together' instead of just throwing on whatevers clean. That said, I'm not sure that I would wear my best heels to the movies, but then again these days I don't get out that much and maybe most people wear heels and I'm the odd ball.

Leaving the theatre I thought about SATC and how it's given women all over the world a more confident approach to life, and more specifically, single life. And I use the word 'single' not only to mean the un-attached, but also just each woman, sans man for even an evening. I can't describe the feeling I get when I am without baby / hubby / house duties / work etc. for the evening, and sure I get dressed in a nice outfit and can just gossip with a girlfriend over everything and anything going on in our lives. Two things I will say about the movie; It really made me appreciate my close girlfriends and the bond we share, and also I really resonated with Charlotte's situation with motherhood and the trials and tribulations of it. Yes, sometimes it is hard, and some days you are exhausted and wanting a little 'me time' and wanting to wear a nice outfit that won't get drool / food / breast milk / vomit or God knows what else on it. But obviously, the good outweigh the bad, always. I love love love my child and my life and would not trade any of it for the world.

2010-05-30T18:09:00.000-07:00

This week my computer crashed, my cell phone died after just being charged, and our dvd player at our camp stopped working...all of this has lead, ok pushed me to really think about what's important in my life. When the computer crashed I immediately got angry. Then I started thinking about all the things I needed to do this week which I need my computer for...then I started realizing how much I use it when everytime I had a free moment I would automatically turn to use it and think 'oh ya..now what'. I'll tell you I got a hell of a lot of chores done this week! Then my cell phone died, which honestly I don't use that much, but once again I went to grab it a few times and thought 'oh ya...' And would either pick up the telephone, or forget about whatever it was I was going to text about..And lastly, this past weekend we went up to our camp up north and our DVD player stopped working.. Not only that but there is also a fire ban on and so we couldn't sit out in front of the fire either..With absolutely nothing to do after the baby went to bed, hubby and I looked at eachother, shrugged and were in bed by 9:30pm. Well I should be honest here and say that we used his computer in bed to watch a movie we've seen a hundred times.. So what is it about technology that is so addictive? Are we that bored with ourselves and eachother that we can't carry on conversations anymore? Or when home alone, why is it that the first thing we do is reach out to some sort of technology that will connect us to the world again?

I started wondering what it would be like back in the day before all of this technology was around..what if we were just up north because we took our horse and buggy there..Then whoever was with us enjoyed our company, and those that weren't had no way to reach us and so they just didn't. It would make some things so much easier...no running into online pictures of exes, or posting comments you wish you could take back..none of that would be of worry, and you could just live your life..whatever that life entails without technology I'm not sure...I guess that's why people had more babies back then, because at 9:30 when the sun goes down and with no t.v, phone or internet.....enough said.

Anyway, I'm assuming the universe is trying to tell me something by shutting down all my technology connections to any outside world, so I've decided to make more of an effort not to use such devices as often. My computer is still in getting fixed (yes this is hubby's computer..and no I couldn't wait to post until I got mine back..) When it does come back, I think I'll only allow myself twice a day on it (unless it's work related)..Twice a day to check my facebook, hotmail, banking etc. And to make sure I don't check it more often I'll actually shut it off..and put it away...in a closet...with a lock...and a lock on the door to the room with the closet...and maybe I'll just lock myself out of the house just to be safe.

I'm off to look at the stars, feel the air on my skin, listen to the birds, and well, just be.

2010-05-24T18:12:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to reflect on being a mother, now that my little baby is 14 months old...and lets face it, not so little anymore...I'm reading a book right now where the novelist is sure she doesn't want kids, which lead me to think..did I always want kids? The answer undoubtedly is yes. I can honestly say that it was never a question in my mind, it was just something that I was put on this Earth to do. I was always that friend who offered to babysit my girlfriends children before I had my own, I attended all the birthday parties; whether I was invited or not..I remembered to call them on their first days of school, their birthday and on Christmas, and I knew that one day I would have my own and could do all of these things for my own family. But I am kind of surprized that I never questioned it. Considering I was single for a good 5 years in my 20's, yet I never thought 'what if I don't meet my husband-to-be' or 'what if I never get married?' These questions never crossed my mind, and infact I was never panicked over the timeline either. I just had faith that in my future there would be a husband and kids, and I would mother them (possibly including my husband! haha) and I even knew what type of Mother I would be..I guess we all turn out like our own Mothers, and mine is truly great so I had no worries there..and I am. Like my Mother that is. I sing silly songs, I make funny voices and I get down on the floor and read, and play, and encourage my daughter to have an imagination..These were all the things I loved about my Mom as a child, and I'm hoping my daughter will appreciate them too. I know I'll make mistakes, and I know that the cuddles and kisses won't last and one day she'll swear she hates me, but for now I can clearly see that all she wants is love. And that is exactly what I will give her..all the love..

2010-05-18T19:04:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to be more spiritual lately. It seems with the nice weather, I'm feeling guilty about staying indoors and watching television. I feel like I'm wasting my days, and not appreciating what each day has to offer. Therefore, if it's sunny, you can find me outside. Not only that, but the fresh air is making the baby sleep wonderfully! Today I took her for a long walk in the a.m and to the park in the afternoon and she had beautiful naps, and still went down at her regular bedtime! She's been sleeping through the night which is heaven, I tell you. My dreams have been so vivid, probably because my body hadn't drifted into that deep of a sleep since before she was born..I'm starting to feel more alive again.

In the evenings, I've started reading instead of watching television, or playing on the computer. I used to spend my night playing a silly scrabble game online, or watching a t.v show that I wasn't even interested in, just out of sheer boredom and not wanting to give in to sleep just yet. So now I'm trying to find books that awaken my spirit, and so far I'm coming up short. So instead, I've decided to re-read books that I've loved in the past, hoping to awaken something in me that it was acomplished. And if / when I get a good recommendation, I'll switch to new books again.

Tonight, as I was doing my nightly duties; cleaning up toys, finishing the laundry, tidying up from dinner etc. I remembered that I left the stroller out from our walk to the park earlier. So as I crept out to the driveway in the still-night air, I realized for the first time in a long time that the stars are so beautiful right above us. We live in the most beautiful part of Ontario, and possibly even Canada, or dare I say..the World? Okay maybe not THAT beautiful, but to me it's all I need. I passed up city life for this enchanting place, and it's so sad that I hadn't noticed the stars in so long..I must not go out in the evenings anymore, or if I do it's just from my car to my destination and back home again. After seeing that tonight I want to make a conserted effort to take time out to look at the stars. It gave me this strange feeling like if everyone stops paying attention to this beauty, will it all just end? Are we taking it for granted? I feel the same about nice days now too.

2010-04-21T12:08:00.000-07:00

Today is a bit of an emotional day around the house. We are going tonight to put our 20 year old cat down..I've been thinking about it all week, and wasn't very emotional at all until this morning..I guess just knowing that every thing she does today will be her last is hard for me to accept. She is very old though and her time is up, but I can't help but feel so guilty that we are making this decision for her. I guess it's worse to leave her living until she breaks a hip or falls down the stairs etc. but still..I'm so sad to see her go.

That said, my mood has extended to other areas of my life too. Lately I'm really starting to see people for who they are. Sometimes it's a good surprize, and I think 'wow I really 'get' them now.' and sadly more often it's the other way, and I think 'I need to distance myself from you.' I'm more or less saying that at my age I thought that I could freely choose who I wanted to hang around with, spend my time with etc. and if I didn't want to see someone, I simply wouldn't see them. But living in a small town it's hard not to run into those people at certain social settings, and on top of that there is always the added pressure of doing the mom-and-baby things all together too. I'm not saying I don't enjoy those, because I really do. I'm just saying that if I choose one day not to participate, or to do something else instead, I don't want to feel guilty about it. It seems very childish, and I wish I could somehow distance myself from the whole situation.

This new feeling I've been having has almost pushed me to remove myself from facebook. It seems that is the source of all my frustration..seeing posts I disagree with, seeing comments to others I disagree with etc. If I could just remove myself from that than it wouldn't matter. People would simply have to phone me to invite me somewhere, and if I didn't answer..well than hey I guess I couldn't go! Sometimes technology is not all that it's cracked up to be I guess.. The funny thing about it is that when I thought about removing myself from Facebook, I thought about my status 'No longer on facebook because I'm out living my life.' And then I thought about all the people that would click 'Like'. How ironic is that?? They like that I want my own life and I'm freeing myself from this thing that steals my time, yet they won't do it themselves? Anyway, in the end I just can't seem to tear myself away, but I'll just have to limit my usage, and only use it for my own purposes (i.e checking my own messages / wall etc.)

Wouldn't it be nice to just move somewhere remote where you didn't have all these problems????

2010-04-20T09:17:00.000-07:00

Here I go again...another venture down the 'healthy eating' lifestyle change..this time it seems to be easier (so far) and I talked to a Nutritionist that helped me choose things that I find delicious anyway and yet that are good for me! I think that was the problem with all the cabbage soup diets I was on was that it was a) a fast way to lose weight but not a steady one, and b) I was left starving most of the time. This time it seems much more simple, and something I could (hopefully) get used to. Because I now work on Mondays its a great start to the week. I pack my lunch, and I'm stuck there all day so there's no excuse to run out to the nearest McDonalds (which happens to be right next door btw).. So yesterday I brought tons of healthy snacks (an apple, a babybel cheese (light), carrots and low fat dip, dried apricots, nuts etc.) and for lunch I brought one of those pre-packaged cottage cheese containers already mixed with berries, and I added some granola that I bought at the Bulk Barn...can I just say YUM! I thought I'd turn my nose up at it but turns out I'm a cottage cheese lover. Who knew? Infact it was so good and so filling that I didn't even eat my soup that I brought..and that saved me a whole 100 calories!!

So the two tips my Nutrionist told me was 1) Eat a grapefruit every day and 2) drink a green tea every day..she says that with those two things I am SURE to lose weight. Plus add in exercising and more eating well and it's a guarantee. So yesterday morning I had my first grapefruit (ever)..and to my surprize I LIKED IT TOO! I always thought grapefruit tasted like cigarette butts but thank goodness I tried it, and now I am WELL on my way to losing that last 10lbs.

Other life news: We bought a house! I am so excited, we get the house June 1st but it needs some serious TLC before it's time to move in..isn't that funny that whoever lived there before us thought it was liveable..I wonder what will happen when we move from here? Will someone come in and think this house is unacceptable? I guess it's better not to know.

My little bug is 13 months tomorrow, pretty much walking and repeating everything we say. She continues to amaze me every day with the things she remembers and actually says back to you. Her new thing is walking from one peice of furniture to the next and then she'll clap her hands and say 'good girl'. She also gives me the same positive reinforcement when I wipe her bum, throw her clothes in the hamper and clean up after lunch. I gotta admit, it's nice to hear that after each task in the day!

Well that's it for now, we'll see how this latest health kick goes but so far so good...until a birthday / holiday / hard day / any other excuse day comes along for me to cheat..well i'll just have to cross that bridge when I get to it..

I now have a toddler..yikes!

2010-04-06T14:01:00.001-07:00

Well that's it, my year of baby-hood is over, and now my baby girl is a one year old! I can't even believe that it's been a year, though when I look back it feels like years have passed since I've become a mother..what a strange and thrilling ride it is though. At one year old my baby is singing, dancing, talking LOTS and is such a delight to be around. She makes me smile each and every day, and even though it's me teaching her things, I learn just as much from her every day too.

Other life news: We are looking to buy a house, which is exciting! It's hard for me to see potential in houses but luckily the hubby can see past the old carpets / smoke smell etc. into what could be our family home to raise our kids in. It's definitely a 'fixer upper' but we aren't worried because where we're living now we can stay as long as needed while we work on the new house. So tonight we are going to take a look and make sure it's what we want. The biggest selling feature is that it's in a neighborhood over looking the lake, and there is a private beach just for the neighborhood. It's such a beautiful beach too, and well kept. There are even reclining beach chairs and barbeques for everyone to use! Sounds like heaven to me. And another good feature is that it's the worst house on the block, meaning the resale value once we fix it up will be HUGE. So excited, so we shall see where that goes..

On the job front: Still liking my new job, mostly liking that it's only 1-2 days a week right now. Strangely even though my mat-leave is up and I'm only working such little hours, I haven't noticed a big strain on my bank account (yet). Though I've been really fortunate to sell off some of my things from my old business that I had. It couldn't have come at a better time either...on one hand it was kind of sad to sell off the last of the things from my store, but on the other hand, it's only collecting dust in my basement and a constant reminder of the fact that it was a dream I gave up (for now anyway). I'd like to reopen once my kids are old enough that I can focus a lot of my attention to it, but for now I'd like to take the time to spend at home.

Weight news: Still holding at 122, which is good, not great. I don't know why my weight has been such a struggle. I really noticed this year how hard it is to lose that baby weight, and mostly the dreaded mid-section. I've never had love-handles before and it's not something I want to get used to either! I've given myself another goal, this time the May long weekend, to lose the last 7lbs. Seems like a super-realistic goal, but yet if my sweet tooth doesn't back off a little, I'm not sure how attainable it is..I'm also struggling with my exercise routine now. My strollersize is finished and my little girl is just too big to be sitting in a stroller for 70 minutes at a time. AND I can't go back to the gym during the day because of little incident in the daycare there..nor would I want to risk that anyway! So, I'm left now with the choice to walk outside (which I do every day anyway) but it's just not enough. And now that my house is strewn with toys, I can't find room or time to do any workout videos at home either! My plan is to start running in the evenings once hubby is home, or to join the gym in the evenings, again once hubby is home..so, the goal is 7 weeks away, can I do it??

2010-03-02T13:29:00.000-08:00

You'll have to forgive for me for not updating as often as I used to. It seems now that I'm back to work, even if it is only 2 days per week, I don't have as much time as I used to. The job is going really well though, I'm really starting to remember what it was like to go to work and focus on something all day that doesn't have to do with diapers or strollers or bottles etc. That DOESN'T mean I don't miss my little girl, I do, a TON, but it's a nice little change in my week. I don't think I would feel the same if it was 5 days of working, so for now it's a nice balance.

My little girl is going to be 1 year old in a few short weeks!! This time last year, I was off work, waiting...waiting...and more waiting for the day to arrive when she would grace us with her presence...And I waited right up to the 21st of March. I can't believe a year has gone by, she's not really a baby anymore, and it's sad, but also exciting.

Since I've been back to work, I obviously stopped nursing throughout the day. I actually skipped the formula transition and went straight to whole milk for her, and she actually takes it really well! I'm almost embarrassed to say that I do still nurse at night, and I'm struggling with stopping because I really don't want to come all the way downstairs at 3am to make a bottle! And to those who say that a baby should sleep through the night at this age (or any age of baby!) I say SHOW ME ONE! I'll believe it when I see it, because every baby I know still gets up at least once in the night.. And the Doctors and your aunts and uncles, mothers and mother-in-laws all give you that look when you say they still get up..I'm thinking they just don't remember..Anyway, maybe I'm being a little naive but I'm thinking one night it will just happen, and then the next and the next, and at least by then she will understand when I say "enough is enough!". Ok I got a little off track here...sorry for the rant..the direction I was going with this was that since I've cut back on nursing, I've lost a few more lbs, even though I've also cut back on going to the gym! Always the way...ughh. So I'm holding steady at 121, sometimes below, but never above anymore which is pleasing. I can now say I'm back to the size I was (bra size included) before I had her. Whew! I thought those would never go down! Also, because I'm back to work I only pack healthy lunches, which makes me buy healthier things at the grocery store even for the days I'm at home.

Well that about sums it up for now..I live a boring life I know. But I love it.

2010-02-09T09:05:00.000-08:00

Well a lot has changed since my last post..I lasted 2 days on the CSD this time, I was just so stressed with the wedding and job hunting and now that I'm exercising again (I didn't the 1st time I did the CSD) I found that I was starving! So I scratched that, but somehow still managed to lose weight. I'm holding steady at 121 right now, which I am pleased with. Ideally, I'd like to be 115 but I'm willing to look to the 'long haul' for that goal.

Anyway, so my sister's wedding was beautiful! I still can't believe she is married. She looked gorgeous in her dress, and everything went wonderfully. She left for Mexico the next day and my Mom is now watching her baby for the week.

On the job front; I finally got one! It's doing some reception and marketing etc. one day a week, which is Mondays. I found the ad Wednesday morning and emailed my resume, then I got a call back that day to come for an interview the following day. When I went in I got hired on the spot. Whew! And I was starting to worry about my resume and my qualifications. I started yesterday, for a half day for training, and my poor Mom watched both babies..She did great though, and surprizingly I didn't feel really guilty about leaving the baby. Although it was only for the morning..we'll see what happens when it's for the whole day. But she had a great time, and when I got there to pick her up, she crawled to the door and reached her arms up with a huge smile and said 'MOMMY!'. Warmed my heart.

Because the job is on Mondays, I had to switch our swimming lessons to Saturday mornings, which works out better cause then hubby can take the baby sometimes too. I really think I'm going to like this job, and I think it can potentially grow into full time once I feel comfortable leaving the baby for that long. Ideally, I didn't want to go back to work, but lets face it, I'm not rich, and I have bills to pay. AND I'd like to get pregnant again in the next year or so, so I needed a plan for the future to ensure my family is secure. It's not fun leaving your child to be raised by someone else during the day, but you do what you have to to survive right?

Anyway, I'm feeling much more content this week, I feel like it's a good balance right now..One day I'm speaking with adults all day and actually applying myself in ways I haven't in a long time. And other days (like this morning) I get to go to strollersize or my Mom group or even for a nice long walk with the baby if the weather is good. Fate has a funny way of choosing the path that best suits your needs. I figure now that I didn't hear back from those other jobs because they were all full time positions, and to be honest I would've taken them because I was desperate! But I don't want to work full time, and I don't need to right now. Part time is all I need to get by, and that way I don't have to pay rediculous daycare fees too. The funny thing is that on Saturday, after I already accepted the job, I DID get a call from one of the places I applied and they were looking for someone 3-4 days a week. The lady on the phone seemed really nice and again, I would've taken it had I not already accepted this other position. But you know when you go into an interview, if it's a right fit, the people strangely seem familiar already to you. As if you have already met them, or maybe it's just your future waiting for you to catch up.

Either way, when I walked into this office I just knew it was the right choice for me. So here goes another chapter in my life. I really do try to reflect on every job I've had and how it has affected my life, and I'm excited to see why I've been brought together with these people, and how they will help me move forward in my life as well.

2010-02-01T13:31:00.000-08:00

Well I'm back on the CSD for 5 days this time. Day 1. Started the morning out with some applesauce, then after a long and iritating dentist appointment, I came home to make my soup, however I was starving from being at the dentist so long, so while I made the soup I ate an apple with a little bit of peanut butter on it..I know I'm not supposed to eat the PB but I was really hungry and figured I could use a little protein. Plus last time I cheated here and there and still lost 8lbs. So finally this afternoon my soup was ready and I had a bowl, and actually missed it! the hot sauce really is the key to kicking up the flavour. So we'll see how it goes, but so far so good!

The countdown to my sister's wedding is literally 5 days away now! eeek!!! I'm starting to get nervous for the whole 'show' and the speeches etc. though I'm sure it will go off wonderfully. After the wedding my hubby and I are requesting some quiet family time to wind down and get things organized around the house which I'm actually looking forward to.

Now that we are in the dead of winter, I'm noticing that I'm really missing the sun and my long walks with the baby. This summer will be different, yet still exciting. I'm sure I won't be able to walk for 2 hours with her in the stroller. She'll probably want to walk alongside me!

On the job front, I have still yet to hear back from any of the 5 jobs I applied to. That's right, 5!!! And nothing. I even considered working at a restaurant a few nights a week, just so that I could still stay home with the baby and not feel guilty leaving her with someone else.

Anyway, time will tell what lies in store for my career future..

2010-01-26T09:35:00.001-08:00

Something has been bothering me lately, and I feel that I need to vent.

As we get older, I feel that it's so important to surround ourselves with people that truly love us, and want the best for us. I just don't have the time or energy for fake relationships, gossip, and time wasted with small talk to people that are only looking for something to gossip about later. The good news is that it really makes me appreciate the people that I DO have in my life that I can rely on, lean on, trust and know that they always have my best interest in mind. Lately, I'm just seeing things so much more clearly. There is no grey area, there is only black and white. I know now what I want in my life, and what I love. For me, exercise classes with my baby (i.e strollersize) are a way to bond with my baby, set a good example for her to be active in your life. I am there for a good workout, and to support everyone else who has chosen the class and wants the same result. I choose the social events in my calendar based on experiences for either my baby, or me, or both. I feel that my Mom group is a great place to trade ideas, learn new tricks, allow my baby to play with others and learn to share etc. So why is it bothering me so much when I hear others gossiping and being fake etc? Why can't I just walk away? For some reason I feel the need to correct the behavior. I want to say something, or reach out to the one that is being targeted. But how? How do I get the courage to say it, and have it come out elequently, like something Maya Angelou would say, and you just respect her for saying it. I feel as though if I opened my mouth I would just become the next target, which I don't care that much about..but I know how far the ripples will spread in a small town. So what to do, what to do?...

Carl Gustav Jung once said 'Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.' So I guess what I should take from this, is to learn not to judge, as I am not perfect either. And also to lead the life I want, be happy for myself and others, and yes, maybe it wouldn't hurt to reach out to the one that is being targeted..afterall nobody wants to be bullied, especially in their 30's!

2010-01-25T09:09:00.000-08:00

I figured out why I've been craving all kinds of junk and comfort foods etc. this past week..yep a certain 'friend' came to visit. Since having a baby and not having a period for so long I always forget about it, and it just kind of creeps up on me each month. So that explains it, here I thought I was crashing from the diet and that I would gain all that weight back..Though surprizingly I've been able to maintain the weight, even while eating horribly all week. I guess as long as I'm still active..

This week is going to be full of diet upsets, so I'm not even going to bother trying..Wednesday evening is my sister's bachellorette, which is going to be interesting and different..We are taking a cooking lesson at a top restaurant. I'm looking forward to it, and I'm sure the food will be yummy, however I doubt it will be healthy. And then on the weekend is my husband's birthday, which we are having two (possibly three) dinners; One with his family, one with mine, and one with just me and the baby. So I've decided to start the Cabbage Soup Diet again on the Monday, and end it the day of the wedding..so I'll only really be doing 5 days of it, but it's enough to lose a few lbs anyway.. My husband has really been complimenting me lately, which makes me think I've lost more weight than my eyes can see. Still, I have a goal in mind and I don't think I'll be satisfied until I reach it. The bitch of it is that that will probably be when I get pregnant again!

A Lucky Penny?

2010-01-22T09:54:00.000-08:00

What is it about these winter blues that make us crave comfort foods? It's been beautiful here lately, with the sun shining and mild temperatures, but yet I still crave carbs, chocolate, and any kind of fattening dish for dinner. Help! I always hate this time of year, yet I do see and end to this winter as time is certainly flying by very quickly.

Tuesday I started my strollersize class again, and all I can say is OUCH!! I was so sore for two days following..it didn't help that I did a class on Wednesday while my Dad visited with the baby, and then back to strollersize again on Thursday..but still, gotta maintain my weightloss!! This morning I took the baby to a free swim at the pool which was fun, and this afternoon I think I'll go for a long walk with her in the sleigh. I'm hoping some fresh air and enjoying some sunshine will boost my mood.

On the job-front, I'm not sure what's happening..I have now applied to 5 jobs, all within my area of expertise, and yet I have yet to hear back from any of them. I have mixed feelings about this. Firstly, I'm relieved to not have to make any decisions about going back to work, but secondly, I can't help but feel a little worthless. I used to be really lucky with jobs, and if I got an interview I always got the job. My resume is great, and I have lots of experience, so now I'm left wondering what it is about me that they don't want? I'm wondering if it's the fact that I have been off for a year, and obviously didn't include why on my resume, but hoping they don't just think I haven't worked? I'm trying really hard to leave it up to fate, and know in the end that whatever happens is for the best..if its a really great job with benefits and good money, then I'll find a great daycare or family member to watch my baby girl and all will be well. If it's that I end up doing my husband's books and staying home with my baby, well hey that sounds great too! I guess I'm just dissapointed because I left a really great job when I lived in the city. We moved up north to raise a family and in a way I gave up my dream. On the other hand a bigger dream of mine was to be a wife and a mother and so I guess the universe heard that dream loud and clear.

I had a dream the other night that I was walking down a long road that was crowded with people, and I bent down and found a penny on the ground so I picked it up, and when I looked at it there was a picture of the Dali Lama on it and four moons over his head..I then said to myself that this must be pretty lucky and put it in my pocket..What do you think that means? Whatever it is, anything that has to do with the Dali Lama and a lucky penny has to be good news right?

Searching for some kind of routine...

2010-01-18T09:44:00.000-08:00

Hello again! We've just got back (to reality) last night after a long weekend away visiting family. We had a great time, and it was nice to see all my husband's relatives, however, as always it takes a toll on the baby. She did surprizingly well though! After a 5 hour drive, she was very happy and open to meeting all kinds of new relatives. It was us parents that were exhausted. I never realized just how much stuff you need to pack for a baby when you go away for just the weekend! We had our car packed with a portable high chair, playpen, bag for her food, bag for her toys, bag for her clothes, bags for our stuff etc. etc. etc. Wow! And now that we're home I'm left with the clean up, and the on-going laundry issue we seem to have here. I couldn't even imagine doing all of that with two or three kids! I guess in time I'll experience it, but thank goodness for now I only need to worry about one. Well two if you count my husband..

We also came home to two cats that were miserable at us for leaving them..Even though my mother kindly fed them twice daily while we were away. we found a few lovely presents in our toy room from them..Thank goodness it's a couch that nobody sits on is all I'm going to say..It's hard to be mad at them too when they are already 20 years old. I guess next time my Mom will also have the duty of cleaning the litterbox daily, and hopefully we won't have that problem again. As a stay-at-home mother I've learned if it's not one kind of mess your cleaning up, there's always another!

The trip really threw a curve into my diet plan for January, but I was really impressed with the scales while I was there! It made me wonder if there was something wrong with ours at home..But when I got home last night I weighed myself and to my surprize the number was just as low here! I just don't get it..I spent all fall going to the gym 5 days a week, eating (semi) healthy, and walking almost everyday and I was 132lbs. Now that it's January, after I lost my cabbage soup diet weight, I haven't exercised at all and I'm 122lbs! It's all so confusing..I do start my strollersize this week, twice, and started my pilates class last week so we'll see what that brings..3 weeks to my sister's wedding, and the plan is to do the Cabbage Soup Diet the week before..I'm hoping to be 115 which is my pre-baby weight.

So now we're just trying to get some kind of routine going again. This morning we had swimming lessons, then a nap and now lunch. I'm hoping this afternoon to do some grocery shopping and other arrands. And hoping and praying for an early night for my baby. Her sleep schedule has gone out the window so now it's time to do dammage control. Ughh. Wish me luck!

2010-01-10T06:41:00.001-08:00

I've finally recovered from the flu. Yuck! I've spent the last few days in a bit of a fog along with a fever last night to end my sickness. What an awful bug, first my baby had it, then I had it. I'm really hoping my hubby doesn't get it, it was awful! I had a full weekend packed with things I wanted to get done, but needless to say I spent it entirely in bed.

My stomach is still a little weak so I'm not sure how I'll do with my diet, though I'm sure I lost a few more pounds being sick!

Anyway, on with January, and my plan to look good in my dress! Less than a month now!

Days 6 and 7 Done!

2010-01-07T14:29:00.000-08:00

Day 6 Done! Yesterday was a bit of a blur so let me try to sum it up. We were supposed to eat vegetables and beef today. Blegh. So I thought I'd start the day with veggie cakes (as I said I would on my last post) but my zuccinis were bad and then I had a rough morning with the baby, so by the time 10am rolled around, I was starving, and irritable and the baby was driving me nuts, and so I figured that I needed to eat before I snapped. So I hate to say it but I had some rice pudding. I felt awful about it, but I also didn't want to lose my temper on the baby. Then, for lunch I redeemed myself by having tuna with celery and again some fat free italian dressing. It was delicious! And I followed it up with my soup. I was really looking forward to dinner as I got to have some more steak with stir fried veggies. Yum! And it was delicious :) My husband even had some too. Then the night went awry..My poor baby girl got the flu (from my Mom group I later found out). She was up all night long vomiting, I felt awful. Even this morning when she woke up she was vomiting and had diarrea too. Poor little baby. So, needless to say I didn't really follow the diet today..(which is the last day). Although I did choose my meals wisely anyway..For breakfast I had eggs with ham and cheese (no bread) and then lunch I had autumn vegetable soup. For an afternoon snack I had more rice pudding (delicious!) and now for dinner I'm about to make a spinach salad with grilled chicken and baked potato. I don't feel bad that I ended today this way, because I need to take the tools I've learned this week and try to incorporate them into my life anyway. After the diet is done it's up to me to decide what I eat, and so I figured today was a good test. Especially because my baby was sick, hubby was home, and I was lounging around watching movies all day.
I'm very happy I did this diet this week, I learned a lot and I'm still down 7lbs in 7 days! Now the plan is to maintain until the end of the month and do the diet once more before my sister's wedding.

I feel great! Hoping not to get the flu..ha ha. I have already noticed my clothes fitting looser and my stomach tightening up. Now the challenge is to keep away the junk during trigger times. I.e cookies after dinner...mmm cookies...ok I need to stop thinking about cookies.

Day 5 Done!

2010-01-06T05:10:00.000-08:00

I'm nearing the end! Yesterday was Day 5 and I can say it was a success! Only minimal cheating ha ha. The mealplan for Day 5 was Beef and Tomatoes (which could be switched for chicken or fish for one serving). So, in the morning I had coffee and then around 10am I decided to suck it up and eat some tomatoes with tuna and fat free italian dressing. It wasn't so bad, once I got over the whole salty foods for breakfast thing.. Then, I had my Mom group and RESISTED all the yummy treats set out for us. I even resisted another cup of coffee. I brought a water bottle and sipped on that, but was constantly wondering if I had bad breath from all the cabbage soup I've been eating (not to mention Italian dressing for breakfast). Oh well all for a good cause I guess! Got home around 1pm, and baby was finally asleep, so I ate my soup and got some chores done. I am actually starting to like the soup! I find it filling, and the hot sauce really does help. The motivation of stepping on the scale each morning and seeing the number go down is what's keeping me going. When I think about cheating I just think about seeing that number and the feeling I'll get if it's lower, OR the feeling I would get if it's higher or the same. That said, I did have a hot chocolate in the afternoon and a granola bar right before the gym (because I didn't want to pass out in my step class). I figure I would burn around 600 calories at the gym anyway..I really don't consider that cheating..donuts, cookies, cakes..THAT'S cheating. The gym was HARD. After not exercising all Christmas break, and with the diet this week, I really found it challenging. Again, I wondered if my pours were sweating out cabbage and if I was the stinky girl in class. I felt good afterwards though. When I got to my parent's house to pick up the baby, my Mom (who is also on the diet) asked me if I wanted to stay for dinner, as she made steak with sliced tomatoes.. YES! I was craving a steak the entire class, thankful to eat some real food. It was delicious. When I got home, hubby was eating hamburger helper, which almost turned my stomach. I think this diet is good because it's retraining my body to know what's healthy and what's junk. I used to love hamburger helper, but now it just looks like grease, fat and no real taste. It's the sweets I think I will find challenging, but again I think I've retrained my body, and mind too, as I'm just not hungry for food the way I used to be. It could be too that I'm drinking more water now. Maybe all that time when I thought I was hungry I was really just thirsty.

So, now on to Day 6! Beef and Vegetable day. I think I'll start the day with some zuccinni and carrot cakes (saw a recipe online) and then soup for lunch, and maybe even another steak for dinner and some salad. Yummy! You know what's even more yummy? I was 122 this morning, and that was with clothes on!

Day 4 Done!

2010-01-05T10:31:00.000-08:00

Day 4 done! Yesterday was not so bad at all, I actually like bananas and milk, and it felt like a luxury to enjoy those for a change. Ha ha. Who would ever think that to have a banana and glass of milk would be a treat! So for breakfast I had my coffee as usual, and a banana cut up in a bowl with milk. Delicous! For lunch I had my soup (and added some Frank's Red Hot! Yum!) My sister visited in the afternoon which was nice and made the day go by quicker, without thinking about food. Though I must say that now I don't have the same attachment to food as I used to. Yesterday I watched my husband eat dinner and didn't even want any, and the same today at my Mom's group! Anyway, Mondays I go to the gym at 5:30 for a very vigorous workout and I was worried that I wouldn't have the energy so I cheated and had a granola bar. I'm sure I burned it off AND THEN SOME. So I'm not worried. When I got home I had more soup (shocker) and a glass of milk with another banana. I must say though as the night wore on, and the baby was napping in her playpen, I was starting to get hungry and my mind was thinking of anything and everything I could eat in the kitchen to cheat but still feel the weightloss. I almost went for some baby cookies. And by almost, I mean in my mind I had already eaten them. I had mentally tasted every bite, which was so delicious. But INSTEAD, I had one more glass of milk and decided to turn in.

I weighed myself this morning and I'm now 123!!! I have not seen that weight since long before the baby was born. I was so excited. I'm really hoping I can keep this weight off and learn better eating habits. At the gym last night I fought through every rep of weights so that my arms will look beautiful in my dress for my sister's wedding. One month away! My goal is 117 by her wedding. Is it doable? Is it?

Day 3

2010-01-03T19:28:00.000-08:00

Day 3 done. Just 5 more to go!

Today was not so bad actually, I think I've actually tricked my body into feeling full and not wanting sweets so much. It was an unusual day, as we travelled 2 hours to visit the in-laws. At first I pannicked, not wanting to tell my Mother-in-law that I wouldn't be having any of her homeade pizza, delicious rice pudding, or any other tasty treat she had planned. However, I really didn't want to mess this up and feel bad about it later. Luckily, she did understand and so I packed up my bland soup along with the baby's lunch and dinner and we headed out.

For breakfast I had coffee and some mixed berries (day 3 I am allowed fruit, vegetables and of course soup). For lunch I had the soup once we got to my in-laws house. In the afternoon I had blueberry tea, and we ate an early dinner because we had to get back, so again I had soup. It was EXETREMELY difficult to watch everyone eat that oh-so cheesy pizza and wash it down with nice cold beer..BUT, I just have to keep in mind that this is 7 days of my life. That's it. 7 days, in the grand scheme of things is not so bad. So, I sucked it up and ate my soup. On the drive home we stopped for gas and I got a coffee at the Tim Hortons, which I savoured. It's funny how when you cut things out of your diet, you really notice how often you eat badly. And also how often you eat / drink without really even tasting it. I don't think I've ever enjoyed a double double the way I enjoyed it tonight.

When we got home, after I put the baby to bed, I decided to make a healthy version of a dessert, which didn't turn out so bad? I cut up some apples and put them in a baking dish along with blueberries and strawberries, then sprinkled a little brown sugar, nutmeg and cinamon. Then I put it in the oven for 25 minutes. It was ok, but I won't lie I was dissapointed. I wish I could just find something healthy to eat that tasted just as delicious as something bad for you, yet wasn't loaded with chemicals like aspartame and sucralose. Although I really wasn't 'hungry' today like I was the first and even second day, I still feel like after these 7 days I will just go back to my bad eating habits. I hope not. What I'm hoping will happen, is that I will no longer crave so many sweets and bad foods, and will feel better about incorporating more fruits and vegetables into my diet. I know I'll cheat sometimes but I just want to lose this last 10lbs and look good in my dress for my sister's wedding! If I can accomplish this in the next 5 weeks I feel like I'll be set. Anyway, looking forward to Day 4 tomorrow as I get to have milk and bananas. Woohoo!

2010-01-02T10:49:00.000-08:00

Day 1 complete. Whew. I honestly thought it would be easier, why I'm not sure? The soup actually tastes pretty good which helps a little, however about half way through my day I got a really bad headache and became light headed. I know it's my body's way of detoxing from all the sweets and caffeine I'm used to consuming, but still. No fun. I was pretty proud of myself yesterday as my husband sat in front of me eating a triple cheese pizza, and I STILL stuck to my soup. For dessert I cut up an apple and cheated a little by putting peanut butter on them. Again, keep in mind that I am breastfeeding so I figured a little cheat like that would be ok. Still I lost 2lbs when I woke up this morning!

On to Day 2: Today consists of just veggies and soup. Bleh. I woke up this morning and figured that I'd skip on breakfast because the thought of eating vegetables for breakfast turns my stomach. So instead I had my morning coffee (which I'm not giving up) and actually had to rush out to go to a funeral, which took up all of the morning. It was a Catholic service and I had to fight back the urge to line up for the eucharist just to have a little bit of bread.. I just finished my lunch, which consisted of soup (shocker) and a spinach salad with red peppers and cucumbers and a little bit of balsamic vinegar and oil. I decided for an afternoon snack I might put some carrots and sweet potatoes in the oven to bake them a little with some spices, just to change it up a bit. Then for dinner it's more soup and possibly some zuccini. At least tomorrow I can have the fruit again. Funny how I hated it yesterday and today I'm begging for it. What will I be begging for tomorrow I wonder? Sanity?

New Year, New Me.

2010-01-01T07:00:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year! I spent last night having dinner with my husband, brother and his wife. It was sort of a 'last meal' for me, as today I start the Cabbage soup diet. I don't feel bad that I indulged just a little..okay A LOT but it was delicious, and I knew that as of today my pallette will not be seeing foods, sweets or wines like that for AWHILE.
After dinner we picked up the baby at my parents house, and came home to a quiet house where I ran a bath with candles and rose petal soaps floating in the water. Hubby and I rang in the New Year in the tub with my last glass of wine and a peice of chocolate santa. It was the best New Years I've ever spent, and I'm excited to start 2010 off right, with my family and in a positive and warm environment.

So Cabbage Soup Diet, Day 1: Today is fruit and soup. All the fruit I can eat, and soup for lunch and dinner. At dinner I'm allowed to have one baked potato with butter. Seeing as it's only 10am, I'm doing fine so far! ha ha. I'm actually still full from last night, I'm sure as the day wears on I'll get hungrier, but hey..it's only 7 days of my life. Oh and I should mention that I am also allowing myself one cup of coffee each morning because let's face it, with a baby that gets up two to three times per night I NEED CAFFEINE.

So here goes. Happy New Year to all. Here's to a happy healthy 2010!

Gone so soon..

2009-12-27T16:54:00.000-08:00

There are always going to be those people in your life that have shaped your path in one way or anyother. Sometimes you don't even know how much they have effected your life plan, and sometimes it's negatively, but it's the positive ones that will always hold that special place, even if it was years ago. Today I found out that my favorite teacher passed away, and too soon at that. Without question he shaped my life. He was my main authority figure for my most vulnerable years; grades 6 through 8. I remember him being so hilarious in class, and then when it was time to be serious, we could all sense the shift in his voice, and so we sat up straight and listened intently on his every word. There was one time when he got mad at me, yelled at me in the hallway, and I felt so awful. I hung my head in shame as I walked back into the classroom, and couldn't help but think I had really let him down. That night I even went home and cried, but he didn't hold grudges, and the next day we were back to the same old banter. When I was in grade 8, he chose me to be the class valedictorian, and helped me with my speech. When it came time for the ceremony, he surprized me with the award of "Christian Spirit". It made me aware that he believed in me, that someone out there other than my parents believed in me. After that I didn't see him that often, and the last time I saw him was the following Fall, when he came to my high school for a meeting. I remember I was outside smoking and when I saw him I went to give him a hug, and I knew that he was dissapointed in me. I made up some stupid excuse as to why I was smoking, but I knew we both knew the truth. Again I felt awful. I think that was the last conversation I had with him too, and that was almost 15 years ago. But still, he will always hold that place in my heart. He forever shaped my life, he was someone I truly looked up to and respected. He believed in me and that's all that mattered. I can only imagine how many others have similar stories. He really was the "Morrie" to so many students. He will be missed.

It really makes you want to cherish those that are in your life at this moment. You never know when you'll lose touch, and in another 10 or 15 years, I could be sitting here, or somewhere, and reminiscing about someone that is in my life right now. It also makes the small things (like weight loss) seem so petty. Tonight I hugged my daughter and husband a little tighter and spent that extra moment staring into each of their eyes and telling them just how much I love and appreciate them. I know my daughter is too small to understand, but you don't need to talk to feel love.

To work or not to work?

2009-12-26T18:55:00.000-08:00

Well another Christmas come and gone. Although this one was by far the best one because of our baby. She was so excited when she got each gift, and she has litterally spent the last two days playing with all her new toys. She looks so grown up, playing on the floor. She doesn't even notice that we are in the room! She got a baby doll for Christmas and when she opened the pkg she said 'BABY!' which pretty much melted my heart. The family left this morning, and I've spent the day trying to organize all the new items into our lives. My husband bought me a beautiful painting which we hung over the couch. It has so many pretty colors, and is very calming and relaxing. I love it!

On another note, I'm starting to pannick about my maternity leave coming up in February. I'm now faced with the same dilema every new Mom has; to go back to work or not...I am litteraly having nightmares about leaving my baby with someone else, that I won't be the one to teach her things, to spend this precious time with her, but at the same time, I need money because I have accumulated debt over the years that I just don't think my husband should be paying for. It's these things that they don't tell you about when you have a baby. I thought for sure by the time my baby was approaching a year, I would be fine to leave her with a daycare, but she's still so small..I saw a dream job posted today and I'm torn as to what to do..Do I apply, even though i don't really want a full time job that starts..ahhem..in JANUARY! I'm still nursing, and she's still getting up once to twice a night, and I just signed up for swimming lessons and two strollersize classes and bla bla bla..I could go on forever for the reasons why I shouldn't apply. But there are two very big reasons why I should apply..1) Because it's a dream job, it's something I would LOVE and would be good at. 2) It will give me my maternity leave next year when I plan to have another baby, and even job security for when I need to go back again...ugghhh what to do, what to do?

My husband said there is no harm in sending in my resume, and if I get an interview, go and sell myself, and if they really wanted me they may be willing to compromise..i.e less hours, start later..Here's hoping..unless I win that lottery..along with everyone else in the world..

The Holidays are Joyful!

2009-12-13T07:30:00.001-08:00

I woke up this morning feeling better about myself. I'm not sure if it's that Christmas is approaching and so I'm focusing outwardly instead of on myself for a change, but I feel better and when I got dressed, instead of picking out an awkward outfit that used to fit and I try to squeeze into, I gave in a wore a comfortable hoodie with jeans..and to my surprize, I looked in the mirror and looked the slimmest I've looked yet! Which is strange because the scale says I've gained 2lbs. Oh well. My plan is not to be too serious over the holidays, afterwards the gym is closed a lot of the time, the snow is too much for me to exercise outside, and with holiday eating what's the point in trying to diet! BUT, my plan is that after Christmas, I will do a strict diet and exercise regime leading up to my sister's wedding, which is Feb. 06th. That gives me a little over a month to lose my 10lbs..which I think is doable, so long as I stick to the plan. I need to buy my dress, which I think I'll go between Christmas and New Years to get the really good deals. And I'll make sure to buy one size to small which will MAKE me lose the weight. 10lbs would make me so much happier. I wouldn't feel so disgusting when I get dressed in the morning, when I take my baby to the pool, when I visit with my other friends who don't have kids and look fabulous and skinny and don't even NEED to diet! Ughh..Pregnancy really does change your body, it's all worth it though. I am so in love with my little baby girl. She is just so smart and sweet. She's not even 9 months old and we ask "What does Santa say?" And she replies "Ho Ho Ho!" So cute!

I think I need to get it out of my head that I'm still a size 2. My new goal is just to slim out the middle. That's really all I need. I don't care what the scale says, or the size, so long as I'm happy with what the middle looks like in jeans. NO MORE MUFFIN TOP!

The Weather Outside is Frightful!

2009-12-10T12:33:00.000-08:00

Looks like Winter came in with a bang this year! I can't believe that just last week there was still no snow on the ground, and I actually thought to myself "there might not be snow for Christmas". But when I look outside today it's a completely different story! It's also keeping me housebound, which I have mixed feelings about. Sometimes it's nice to have the excuse of 'oh it's just too bad outside to go anywhere', and I can stay in my pj's all day and drink hot chocolate and clean my house. But then with a 9 month old that is very curious and is constantly getting into EVERYTHING it's nice to break up the day with going out and spending time visiting, going to my Mom group, strollersize..anything to keep her busy!

After much thought I've decided not to go back to the gym during the day anymore, which is really putting a damper in my plans to lose weight. But after two times of having my daughter nearly choke on something, I have to put my interests aside and look out for whats best for her. I mean, where do I draw the line? Do I let this keep happening until she does actually choke? So I've been going in the evening, which is difficult because a) I have to wait for either Hubby to get home or my Mom to come over, and b) the weather gets worse at night for driving and my gym is 15 minutes away, and c) it's right at dinner time which is when things are pretty busy around here..

Oh well, I'll survive. Maybe in a few months when she is a little older and can realize what SHOULD go in her mouth and what SHOULD NOT. Granola bar wrappers should NOT! uughh.

Anyway, it's beginning to look like Christmas around here, and I'm getting excited for my first Christmas with my little girl. She already loves the decorations and the tree, I can only imagine what she'll do with all the presents!

As for my weight, well I have been pretty good this week so far but still I feel very frumpy and lose in the middle. It's nice to hear members at the gym tell me that I'm looking good, but I actually don't believe it myself so I almost think they are lying to me. I've been doing my exercise videos at home all week with classes every evening so far..But of course it's dinner time that kills me, with that oh so delicious comfort food your mothers warned you about..But it's so delicious! And who wants to eat a salad in December...also the deserts have been calling my name lately too. I wish I was allergic to all things yummy then I would have no problem saying no. What I really need for Christmas is a Personal Trainer and Dietician to come to my house..Here's hoping :)

2009-12-07T13:09:00.000-08:00

I haven't been doing so well lately, which is why I haven't blogged in awhile. I've been really dissapointed in myself, and I keep making excuses for myself. Excuse #1: It's the holidays, Excuse #2: It's snowing outside, and finally Excuse #3 I was sick last week...oh and Excuse #4 my daughter swallowed something in the daycare at the gym..that last one isn't so much of an excuse as it is a reality, and quite frankly I am a little hesitant to bring her back there as it's the 2nd time it's happened. That said, I included it as an excuse because it didn't mean that I had to stop exercising altogether. I have PLENTY of exercise videos at home, the weather was nice enough outside to go for walks up until Saturday, and I could've gone to other programs where I bring her (i.e strollersize). So I'm starting fresh today, and so far so good. I woke up, had breakfast (Cornflakes and coffee..not together). Then when my baby was sleeping I did a 20 minute Yoga Booty Ballet video. For lunch I had homeade chilli and a yogurt for dessert. As a snack this afternoon I had celery sticks with fat free ranch dip. Tonight I'm heading to the gym for my regular weight training class while my Mom watches my baby girl. It's always after the class thats the challenge, as I come home starving and need dinner quickly. That's when I grab something bad for me and it continues on into the night with ice cream, a glass of wine, popcorn etc. I hate that when it gets cold out I automatically want comfort foods. I have been eating tons of warm baked cookies, casseroles and drinking tons of hot chocolate!

My sisters wedding is officially 2 months away and in that time I have to get through Christmas and New Years. I still really want to lose 10lbs, though since I've started this blog I've lost 6lbs which isn't so bad. Still, I think I have more than 4 more go to to be as confident as I used to be.

So there it is, I'm trying to get back on track and I'm really needing some sort of boost of confidence.
I'm not sure what I need to get me going again. It's a feeling I need, that when I crave those crappy foods I can get that feeling or see that image of myself skinny and have the willpower to say no. We'll see..so I have a couple weeks to be good, then Christmas to be bad, then 6 weeks after the holidays to really do damage control! Here goes!

2009-11-04T19:18:00.000-08:00

Again, it's been awhile..Sorry. Things have been a little scary around here with the whole H1N1 thing going on..I have decided not to get the vaccination for my daughter for several reasons; 1) She has never had eggs and I'm not wanting to introduce them to her yet, and eggs are in the shot. 2) Children under 5 get two half doses of the vaccine, I'm assuming because the whole shot is too strong..however, how can a 5 year old and a 6 month old get the same amount? Also, I'm a little leary of the side affects as it is such a new virus and so I would like to hold off until I know more about it. This is definitely the hot topic around town these days, and especially within my Mom group. It's irritating, and reminds me of the public school days when your friend group divided over who still liked the New Kids on the Block, and who didn't. I find it an interesting topic, but I'm also so sick of disgussing it, mainly because I don't want people using fear-based tactics to try to lure me over to their side. At the same time, I don't want people to think I'm being a lazy parent. I'm doing everything else that I can to ensure that my baby (and the rest of the family) stays healthy. I'm washing my hands about a million times a day, I'm drinking lots of orange juice, eating lots of vegetables, staying away from crowds etc. It's so scary being a parent, and I had no idea that it could be such a challenge..

A Cinderella story...

2009-10-15T11:08:00.000-07:00

Being a stay-at-home Mom has it's perks, but also it's trials. I love to spend time with my baby and take pleasure in all the wonderful activities we can do together. However, because I'm at home all day, and others are at work, I am expected to do the daily chores etc. (which is fine) I completely understand that I have the time to do so, and most chores I actually enjoy doing. I love to go to the grocery store; it's an excuse to get out of the house, and I like to plan new recipes so I get excited when picking out the ingredients. I also don't mind doing the laundry. Though it's a tedious task to wash, dry, fold, put away and repeat each week, I like when everything is clean and fresh and we all have plenty of choices in our wardrobe to wear.

My issue is this; I already have a (full) list of chores to do in the day, I won't bore you with listing them all but they are pretty standard in running a household. What I DON'T want to do is other people's chores on top of my own! I don't want to throw out other people's mouldy leftovers that have been in the fridge for a month, I don't want to clean the toilet for the 2nd time this week because someone had an upset stomach. I don't want to rinse out and sort beer bottles, empty coffee cups that are stacked at the front door, find room for stray tools and nails that are lying around the house (with a baby that now crawls mind you). I don't want to sort through a pile of mail that isn't mine, and move it from room to room to try to get it out of the way. I don't want to step over piles at the front door of whatever was in your car this week, or whatever project you intend on getting to. I don't want to dust meaningless junk that should've gone into storage, or the dump, or another home in need. I don't want to empty all the garbages and sort the recycling and remind you to take it out on garbage day, and then two days later bring the boxes back in because they are still at the end of the driveway. I don't want to be the only one to scoop the cat litter, to pick up the cat's empty dishes, to clean up the cat puke...I could go on and on.

I'm sorry if I'm sounding a little like Cinderella, but I needed to get this off my chest. I can't help but feel overwhelmed sometimes of the daily chores, and just because I'm at home in the day, doesn't mean I NEED more things to do. Believe me, I can fill up my days (and evenings) with tons of household chores, however I feel like I need a balance of both work and play in my day, and it's especially important for my baby that I spend time with her, take her to programs, let her learn that it's ok to have a messy house sometimes as long as we're having fun. I sometimes wish I had a housekeeper just so that I knew that everything was done, and in one day. I have to space my chores out over the week because I'm not going to ignore my baby to ensure the dusting and vaccuming were both done on Monday.

Don't get me wrong, I love my life and love that I get to stay home with my baby girl. And my husband is extremely supportive and compliments me all the time on motherhood and 'doing it all'. I also know we all get a little frustrated at times and that's all I'm saying here, I hate that I'm constantly nagging about these things, I hate the way my voice sounds, I feel so mean, but yet, when I chalk up to all the things I already do in the day, I feel that these are the things I could do without..if that makes sense?

I know tons of parents that simply can't afford to be at home, and it would kill me to have to drop her off at a daycare each morning, and to make things worse, those chores still need to get done! It's a wonder how I used to do it with a full time job, and exercise programs, friends, family and time with my husband too... I really do appreciate mothers so much more now, and I just want the world to know that it IS hard work, but it's also rewarding. Also, to those sharing a house with a stay-at-home mom; whether you are a husband, roomate, in-law or relative, please make sure you clean up after yourselves so that your stay-at-home Mom can spend that time bonding with her new child.

Giving Thanks while I'm hoping my pants give a little..

2009-10-14T15:25:00.001-07:00

So Thanksgiving has come to an end...and as far as I can see I've only gained 2lbs..but maybe the after effects are still creeping in..However, I chose not to turn away from all the delicious food that was being made, especially because my family made it all and thats what Thanksgiving is all about, sharing with family and great time spent together. Shunning food because of a stupid diet is shallow and self-centered anyhow..So I litterally ate it up this weekend, and it was so delicious..now the hard part comes, now that it's officially cold outside, I am craving all those yummy comfort foods again..It was easy this time last year because I was 4 months pregnant and could eat all the carbalicious foods I wanted! This year, not so much..Although I've been trying different variations for dinner recipes..For example tonight I'm cooking Pork Chops with apples and brown sugar, mashed sweet potatoes and steamed veggies..that's not entirely bad, considering the alternative was pork chops in a cream sauce with regular mashed potatoes and no veggies!

I started back to Strollersize yesterday and MAN do I ever hurt! Which is good because it means with all the working out I've been doing, I obviously wasn't targeting those muscles..it's good to switch it up a bit. Today I spent the day indoors opting not to go to the gym or the library group because my baby has a cold..It was awful staying inside all day, especially because it was one of the only nice days we've had all month! However hubby is home now and so I am going to sneak out to my pilates class at 8pm which is at least something for today. Tomorrow I'm back to my Piloga class and perhaps a walk in the afternoon, so long as baby is feeling up to it, and the weather cooperates.

2009-10-09T19:33:00.000-07:00

Sorry it's been awhile, I've been busy with life but I'm still (sort of) on track! Since I last blogged, I've lost a few more pounds, so in total since I began this journey I'm down 6lbs! It doesn't seem like a huge win when I say the number outloud but I feel better so that's all that matters right? I'm still following the diet 80% of the time, but with Thanksgiving coming up, then Halloween, then my birthday, Christmas, and heck while we're at it Valentine's Day and every other damn holiday and birthday during the winter months..I'm bound to stray from the diet.

I will say though, that I'm loving my new exercise routine..and I even noticed my butt and thighs are so much tighter now! The ab thing will get there but I suspect that will take much more work..after all, I did have a near-9 lb child living under those abs. I'm still going to the gym 5 days a week, plus I signed up for a strollersize class on Tuesdays (on top of my step class) and Wednesday evenings I take a Pilates class (on top of my hi lo class). On the days that I only exercise once I try to take a hike, or walk around town, or at least do a 20 minute video at the house while the baby sleeps.

In my life right now I couldn't be happier! I love this fall weather, the trees look absolutely beautiful and my baby is now starting to be at a really fun age. She's 6 months old now, and I'm so proud to say that she's CRAWLING! It's been a bit of a whirl-wind as I haven't baby-proofed the house yet. I started taking her to a library program where we learn new songs together, and of course my Mom group is still happening too. Though now that it's fall, we have decided to join an Early Years program that the town offers. It's a great program where Moms and tots can drop in and there are plenty of toys and snacks etc. It's nice not having it at someone's house so that we can leave the mess behind when it's time to go!

I'm starting to pannick a little that my maternity leave is up in a few short months. I know it seems like so far away, but the past 6 months have gone by way too quickly. There are so many things I am looking forward to in the coming months; Christmas, my first New Years with the baby, her 1st birthday, watching her learn to walk, talk, and eat more solid foods and drinks. I just love to watch her try new things. We tried peas the other day, which to my surprize she loved! She will pretty much eat anything, that girl is a real trooper.

So I must say that when I started this blog, I was pretty down on myself. None of my clothes fit, I couldn't go out with my girlfriends and drink because of the breastfeeding, and I felt very lost and loney, though still loving motherhood, I felt I had lost myself somewhere along the way and became this diaper changing, breast feeding crazy person that can only talk about diaper genies and baby songs. I feel now that I'm starting to remember who the old me was, and I think my baby is appreciating it too. We've been having so much fun together, and every morning when I wake up and go into her room, she's already awake in her crib with a huge smile and her arms reaching out to me. It melts my heart. I also feel like I'm happier with my husband as well. Now that I'm starting to get my old shape back, I feel sexier, I feel prettier and so I give him more attention than he's seen since before I got pregnant.

I know it's not over, I still have weight to lose, I still have daily trials and lack of sleep. But it's a start and I feel like I don't want this time in my life to end.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone living in Canada this weekend. It's nice to spend time with family and share a wonderful meal without having to spend money on gifts etc. like the other holidays. Speaking of which, I better go my pumpkin pie is just about ready..I couldn't resist ;)

2009-09-21T10:54:00.000-07:00

I have great news! It's been a week since I started my diet, and I've already lost 3lbs!! I know it doesn't sound like much but when you've been working out for months and the scale doesn't budge at all, 3lbs is HUGE. I feel great! Also, I'm really liking this diet. I've found that there are some delicious recipes, that are easy to make, and I'm learning what I should and shouldn't be eating. This helps, because I no longer see it as a "diet", and more of an education in health. Also, on the website it states that I should still see results if I follow this plan 80% of the time, and 20% of the time I can cheat..for example I was at a wedding on Saturday and so I cheated that night, but made up for it on Sunday by strictly following the plan, and exercising more. On the gym-front, I'm doing 2-3 hours of exercise most days of the week so I think that's helping too.

That's it for now, I just wanted to share my news as I'm pretty pumped to finally be in the 120's again! Phew, I thought it would never happen..Now just 10 more to go, or more but I'll decide that when I get there..

2009-09-16T07:21:00.000-07:00

Day 2 of my diet, and so far so good! I actually like the food and it's giving me extra energy for my classes etc. It says no coffee but lets get serious, there's no way I can function on zero caffeine. Since the baby has been rolling and trying to crawl, she's been waking a couple of times in the night as she's scootched herself to the edge of the crib, and the only way to get her to go back to sleep is to feed her...SO, needless to say I'm still sleep-deprived and coffee is my only savior when it comes to morning time. Other than that I've been pretty strict with the diet (though its only been two days) I bought all the grocceries, and its helped that hubby has been at baseball every night this week so I cook dinner for myself and don't worry about what he won't like. Today my evening Pilates class starts, so I have a noon hour class at the gym, then Pilates tonight. Yesterday I did a step class in the evening, but in the day I walked to my Mom Group which was a good 30minutes each way. I'm trying really hard to incorporate exercise into everything that I'm doing so that I have no excuse as to why I'm not losing the weight!

I stepped on the scale this morning and actually thought I would see a change, but not yet..Still I'm motivated and liking this new plan...stay tuned.

2009-09-14T08:40:00.000-07:00

131.8 Today on the scale! I know it's a small success, but I'll take what I can get.. I've decided to incorporate walking into my daily activities as often as I can. For example last night I went to my parents for dinner so I walked with baby and met hubby there (he drove of course). Today I need to go to the bank and grocery store so i am going to bring my bags and and walk to both places. Also, my fall exercise program is starting this week:

Monday: Muscle Conditioning 1hr
Tuesday: Step Class 1hr
Wednesday: Aerobics 1hr, Pilates 1hr
Thursday: Pilates / Yoga Mix 1hr
Friday: Step 1hr

You would think that would be enough, but so far it hasn't been..I figure if I incorporate the walking, and better eating habits, together I SHOULD see some results!

2009-09-10T08:54:00.000-07:00

So it's now September and I'm trying desperately to get back on track. The weather has been so beautiful this past week, and the trees are already starting to turn. This is my favorite part of year. Everything feels so fresh and crisp.

On the diet-front, I'm hopelessly trying to find a routine that works for me. I started counting my calories on this unbelievable FREE website; http://www.my-calorie-counter.com/. I can't get over all the different functions it has and it's all free, which is refreshing. I also like that it contains virtually every food there is, including (and sadly mostly) fast foods. WHICH I'm not eating at the moment anyway... I also have been using http://www.truestarhealth.com/ which is a website that caters to 5 main points of health; nutrition, exercise, sleep, attitude and vitamins. I like this site because it gives you an overall look at your health and wellbeing, and pinpoints why you might not be thriving in your weight loss. In regards to the nutrition aspect, it plans your meals daily, but gives you options to substitute, and also prints you off a grocery list of everything you've chosen for that week! It can't get any more simple than that! I've actually been using this site off and on for the past two years and so my membership is still intact. What I like about it is that it's not a diet, it's more of a lifestyle change. I found even when I was pregnant I would log on to search recipes or just to see how they would cook salmon for example. It also gives you a comprehensive look at how your meals should be broken down; 40% carbs, 30% protiens, 30%fat. The only thing I find lacking in this website in terms of the nutrition plan, is that it doesn't give me the freedom to input anything else that I may have eaten in the day. I guess the point is that you don't eat anything else than what they tell you, but sometimes life throws a surprize at you and you can't ALWAYS stick to the plan...

SO, this is why I've been using a combination of the truestarhealth.com website AND the my-calorie-counter.com website. I find together they give me a good look at what I'm eating, and shouldn't be eating..and how much I've burned off at the gym (from the 2nd website). I'm really hoping that this will help me to boost my weight loss plan and give me the results I desperately want to see!

It's been 6 weeks now of me going to the gym 5 days a week and though I haven't been super strict with my diet, I have not lost 1lb! NOT ONE! Although I can tell that I am getting toned, still, I hate when people say that.."you're gaining muscle". Piss off I want to say! I want to be 10lbs lighter AND gaining muscle..is that possible?

A friend of mine posted pictures of a trip she recently went on, and I couldn't believe her pics of her in a bikini. First of all, she is a mother of 3, and second of all, she hasn't worked out a day in her life! It makes me so jealous / angry / defeated when I see that. I'm not sure what else I can do, especially while I'm breastfeeding I'm afraid of losing too many calories in the day and having no energy, or becoming dehydrated etc. But am I maybe just using that as an excuse? I think I'll try this new plan with the two websites AND continuing to go to the gym 5 days a week and we'll see then if I have results or not..

A Life Cleanse

2009-09-03T12:53:00.001-07:00

I don't know what's come over me, but I've really been interested in 'cleaning up' my life. I started looking through all my mail and sorting it into categories..'action needed' and 'for filing'. I made some calls, went to my local bank and consolidated all my debt, I even found a cheque from my insurance company from when I quit my old car insurance! I feel like the more organized my house and my life is, the better I feel. You know how there are always those lingering stresses in the back of your mind? I feel like I now have a handle on most of them, and especially if I can pay off my debt sooner than later, I'll feel so much better! Right now I can't help but feel like a burden to my husband. I came into this relationship with debt, and now though before I was pregnant I was working 3 jobs to pay it off, now that I have the baby, I'm only getting 55% of my regular income...which just doesn't cut it, plain and simple.

I've also been looking into cleansing my spirit. I looked into a workshop coming to Toronto by Deepak Chopra, and it something I'm really interested in. Also, locally, I found a Buddhist centre that is hosting a (free) Day of Mindfulness. I feel like since I've had my baby girl, I've sort of lost touch with my spirit. My day is just so filled with chores, and baby duties (which I love) but I'm missing that down time when my mind can be still. I used to go for walks every evening as the sun was setting down by the lake.. Now if I go and bring the baby I'm always concerned with her and can't fully appreciate the view and the silence. I also used to meditate every evening before bed, and I just can't seem to find the time anymore. Once the baby is asleep I like to have at least an hour with my husband before going to bed. Anyway, I've made it a conscious thought in my mind to practice more mindfulness and even just enjoying the time spent with the baby instead of having a million other things on the go (and on my mind!).

So I guess my goal for the month of September is to be more mindful, and to clean up my life. I'd like to have a handle on everything by the time the winter comes, and Christmas will be hard this year with no extra funds. I'm hoping that by doing this, I'll find more savings and just an overall clearer mind and happier home.

A brief nostalgia

2009-08-31T11:53:00.001-07:00

It's been cold outside the past few days, and it reminded me of the Spring, which is just a few months ago, 5 to be exact. But it feels so far away, now that I have my baby, and we are in such a routine. In fact, I barely remember my Summer either. All the days seem to blend together now. I was remembering the blur of it all, the coldness literally melting into Summer. On the warmer days I would take the baby for a walk, and I remember feeling sore still from the birth, so we wouldn't go very far. I would wear baggy clothes because I was embarrassed of my size. So even though the number on the scale has barely budged, I know that I have toned up because the difference I feel from then to now is crazy! I can't believe my baby is 5 months old. I barely remember her being so small. I just love the stage she is at right now though, such a sponge! She's watching everything we do and trying to emulate it. She loves to watch Mom and Dad eat, or drink, and mouths the same as if she too is eating. I'm sure she's wondering why nobody else sucks on a boob for their meals!

Now that the fall is coming, I also remembered last fall. I was 4 months pregnant. I packed up my seasonal business, as the leaves fell from the trees. I remember last October we did a tree climbing thing, and my belly stuck out from the harness. As much as I hated being pregnant; feeling fat and unattractive, the bad breakouts, the upset stomach etc.. I remember last Fall with such fondess, especially now that I have my baby girl, and knowing it was her growing and developing inside me. I used to talk to her when I drove. I would play her music and see if she would kick me back in appreciation. I was so looking forward to last Christmas by this time. I remember thinking that my sister and I would both be pregnant for Christmas! However this year, I too am looking forward to Christmas, for the babies this time though. I can't wait to see my baby girl and her little cousin. Mine will be 9months by then and my sister's, 7 months.

It's days like today that I feel so nostalgic. The crisp air, the leaves (already!) starting to change, and September litterally just around the corner. Back to school is on everyone's mind, and I can't wait to get back to my regular schedule of my Mom group, and having the gym be less crowded etc. Fall is such a time for change, for resolutions, and for reflection. I feel that this Fall I will truly start to get back to myself again. I'm determined to be active both alone and with my baby, and to cook foods from the local market. Yum to Fall and a series of firsts for my baby and me!

2009-08-24T18:53:00.001-07:00

I can't believe the summer is coming to an end already. Even though I've been on mat-leave for the entire summer, I feel like it only just began. My baby girl is 5 months old, she's rolling over, sitting up, smiling and cooing lots and she's the most precious thing I've ever known! 5 months goes by so fast, and just as she's changing so much, I feel like I'm staying the same. The scale doesn't reflect the progress I feel, although I'm definitely not where I want to be; scale or no scale...I think the change of season will help me to get back on track with my diet. I've just thrown it all away and I'm so dissapointed in myself. I'm still doing well with my exercise though, but it's just not enough to get me the results I want.

I've decided to sign up for strollersize this Fall and Mom and Tot Swim. Also there is a weekly Pilates class down the street from my house that I think I'll join. So that will give me extra things to do, some with my baby too which is great for bonding. I'm still planning on going to the gym 5 days a week too (well 4 + the strollersize) so by the winter I should see the results I want!

Other than that I don't have much news. The wedding on Saturday was fun, I'm sure I danced away a few pounds too! The dress looked amazing and I got so many compliments on it, and on my weight..though I almost felt that it was all a front. The boning in the dress kept me sucked in all night, but I knew the truth of what was underneath. Still, it was nice to feel pretty and to dress up and have my nails and hair actually done for once!

In terms of everything else in my life, I couldn't be happier. Everyday I feel so blessed that my baby is so good, so unbelievably cute, and that I live in a safe and happy environment with lots of friends and family around. Sometimes I think it's all too good to be true. Could it be that its all just a dream?

Just a number?

2009-08-21T18:38:00.000-07:00

Today the gym classes were cancelled, however I decided that I should probably go anyway. Even though I don't usually know what to do on my own, I wanted to stick with the whole 5 days a week theme. So, I did it! I went, and my baby girl spent an hour in the daycare. I spent 20 minutes on the arc-trainer, which is kind of like an eliptical..By the end I was dripping with sweat. I then did some squats and lunges, and took some 5lb weights and did some arm exercises that I learned in my Monday class. I finished with some ab exercises that we do in most of the classes. I have to say, I thought doing my own workout would be easier than the class, but I was soaked in sweat, and I'm already sore! I'm feeling proud of myself, at least on the exercise front..I've been 5 days a week for 3 weeks now. It feels good, and I've been getting more and more compliments on my physique. However, on the diet front, I'm not as disciplined. I'm not sure what else would motivate me. I mean I don't eat horribly, but I'm definitely not following any sort of rules or rationing. I stepped on the scale today, and FINALLY I'm under 132! It's been nearly 5 months of fluctuating around the 132 mark but always staying above or on it. This morning I stepped on the scale and was 131.8, which sounds rediculous to be so excited over such a small thing, but it's motivating to finally see that the scale is going down..even if it is really slow. Now I have just 15lbs to go....ughh!
Stay tuned :)

It's all in the Dress

2009-08-18T19:01:00.000-07:00

I've been cheating on the diet a lot lately..however my exercise has been steady, 5 days a week, with at least 1 hour to 2 hours per day. I can see that my waist is FINALLY getting smaller, and I'm starting to show some definition in my arms and legs again. It feels good to see muscles that I haven't seen in a year or so...The whole thing with the diet is that if I deprive myself, than I just want to binge. I thought it would be better to cheat a little every day, instead of cheat a whole bunch on the weekends (for example)..so I allow myself a little bit of something each day, yet I know that I need to work that much harder at the gym, which is fine with me. I want to live a balanced life, not a deprived life. I want to be happy, and cutting things completely out of my life is not helping my moods or even my relationships.

So even though I didn't wear my target outfit to the concert, I have a new beautiful outfit that I bought for a wedding coming up this Saturday. I had asked my Mom to pick me up a dress I saw at a local crafts fair..This dress was beautiful and summery, floral designed with a cute little shrug to go with it. The dress is made from old bed sheets, with new trimmings and details from the designer. I fell in love with it when I first saw it, and so because I was out of town the following day my Mom said she would pick it up. I told her I remembered the girl saying that everything on that rack was $20..Well, my Mom called me to tell me that a) she got the outfit for me, HOWEVER b) it was WAY MORE than the origional price I had said..how much you ask? $169 for the dress, and $80 for the shrug..OUCH!!!!!! But I told my Mom I'd like to at least try it on before returning it..So that night, I picked up the dress and brought it home, put it on and walked down the stairs to get some opinions from my husband and his sister..When I walked into the living room, my husband actually gasped and said 'you look amazing!' and then my sister-in-law followed it with 'you are so tiny now! What a beautiful dress!' Then I mentioned the price, and surprizingly my husband said 'it's so worth it. Look at you!' Well that's all I needed to hear! I felt like Cinderella. So I told my Mom I'd pay her back and now I am so excited for Saturday to come so I can wear my beautiful dress and feel skinny and sexy all day long :)

2009-08-15T08:47:00.000-07:00

Last night was the concert, which was absolutely amazing! It felt so good to get out with my husband and have a night to feel young again..especially because it was music we both grew up on..I had such a blast! The outfit I had chosen to wear though, the one that was my 'target outfit' my husband said it was too bright (it was yellow) so I wore a tank and jeans instead. I felt ok in it, but I must admit that I was a little jealous of all the young skinny girls dressed really great, with their six packs and tube tops...meanwhile I was worried all night about leaking on my tank top..not to mention it was so hot in there that when I went to use the bathroom it took extra long to peel my jeans off, and even longer to get them back on..However, that said, it was an amazing night, and I danced my little legs off, and probably sweat out a few extra pounds too.

I'm trying to stay positive, even though I'm not happy with the shape I see in the mirror..I keep reminding myself that it's only been 5 months since I had my baby girl, and this kind of weight cannot just drop off the way other people's weight would..it took a long time to put the weight on, so I know it will take a long time to come off..

In my step class yesterday there were two girls (who have kids) with sports bras on, and PERFECT abs, I was practically drooling over them the way you would a menu of delicious items..I want those, I kept thinking, and so I stepped with even more vigor than usual, in hopes that at the end of the class my stomach would be tansformed to a chisled picture of beauty..nope. But, perhaps its just one more step closer..

On the baby front, even though it was nice to get a night out, I really did miss her, and the concert was packed with lots of old flames from the past, however I juts kept thinking about my baby girl, and how lucky I am to have both my husband and my baby girl..and really my old life and drinking and going out dancing etc. doesn't even compare to the life I have now..I truly am one lucky woman.

2009-08-13T10:02:00.000-07:00

I origionally set out to write every day, but lately that just hasn't been happening..I don't want that to be an excuse though, so I will try to recap from days I've missed.

Tuesday my husband bought a bicycle, which surprized me to say the least. I think maybe my little plan that I'm doing is starting to register with him, health-wise. So Tuesday night we went for our first bike ride together since highschool...it was funny, but great at the same time. It brought back so many memories too! I sort of forgot that he hasn't exercised in years so I had planned out a long route for us to take. He kindly reminded me that it's been YEARS since he's done any activies like this one, so maybe we could cut it a bit short. In the end we cycled for around half an hour, and just happened to hit a huge hill in our last stretch...He was very winded and said his legs were extremely sore. It was kind of nice for me to see that my progress at the gym is paying off, because I wasn't winded at all, and infact could ride for much longer. It had been two years since I last rode my bike, due to being pregnant last summer..and I already felt a difference in my own energy level..I remember two summer's ago really having to struggle, and being winded after just 15 minutes of straight pedaling (no hills etc.)

Yesterday (Wednesday) we rode again, which I was again very surprized! I thought it would be one of those novelty things for him and after the first time he would've given up. Not that he does that often, but I know what it's like when you haven't exercised in a long time..it can be defeating. So last night we took a different route and planned it a little better so that we were heading downhill for our final stretch. It was nice to be out in the evening, just the two of us, while my Mom spent time with the baby at our house. My husband did buy a caboose to take the baby with us, however we didn't realize until it was home that it says it's good for 1yr +..well at least we'll have it for next year, and his energy level should be better by then so as to pull a 25lb child too!

On the diet front, I'm failing miserably. I really do think I might be getting my period again (after over a year of not having it!) I'm constantly craving carbs and sweets, and I'm moody as all hell. If and when I do cheat, I just make sure I do a little extra cardio..I'm still sticking with mostly fruits and veggies, but after a long day it's hard to find another snack to eat! For example yesterday I had cereal for breakfast, then a veggie pie for lunch. For a snack I had a banana and a yogurt, then later on in the afternoon (after my aerobic class) I had cut up strawberries..For dinner I made pasta, and then after the bike ride I was still hungry, but I had already had so much fruit, veggies, yogurt etc. all day, so what now? So I made a tea and had that with some baby cookies which satisfied my craving.. So in total yesterday I did 2 hours of cardio (1hr class, 30minute walk and 30minute bike ride) so I figured I could stand to have a few extra calories, and those can go towards my 500 extra calories for breastfeeding.

Today I'm happy to say I made it to the gym for the Pilate / Yoga class at 10am! It is such a difficult class, but I got through more of it today than last week. My sister also came along and I could see her struggling the same as me..more motivation for the both of us I guess! It's been so hot, that walking in the day is hard for the baby and I. I may skip the afternoon walk and just do the bike ride tonight when it cools down a bit. Diet-wise today, I'm still on track, but it's only just after lunch..I've planned a healthy dinner for tonight of salad and chicken and whole-wheat pasta salad. So hopefully I stay on-track for the rest of today.

Lastly, though the scale has not reflected any progress, I can feel my waistline shrinking, and yesterday I got into a jean skirt I hadn't been able to wear since before I was pregnant. I'm really curious / confused as to why the scale isn't reflecting my progress..my sister has also commented on the same issue..Perhaps I'm building more muscle, perhaps my body is storing the fat for the baby..who knows! As long as I'm looking good I really don't care what the # on the scale is!

August 09th - Two Steps fwd...

2009-08-10T18:21:00.000-07:00

Sunday was my brother's birthday so our whole family decided to take an afternoon cruise on the lake. It was beautiful, and we were lucky that the rain held off until after our BBQ at my parent's house. In terms of my diet, I was doing really well all weekend. I even rented a movie Saturday night and instead of munching on chips, I brought out a bowl of cut up melon and chomped away happily on that instead. However come Sunday night, after the BBQ, my brother INSISTED I have a piece of his birthday cake (which was ice cream by the way)...and so I did. And I won't lie, it was everything I had been missing out for the past 2 weeks, all rolled into one scrumptious slice of cake. The problem is that now that I have allowed myself to cheat, it's all I think about..the constant justifying in my mind is really not healthy...'well you do go to the gym 5 days a week'...'well you eat healthy every other day'...'you need extra calories for breastfeeding'...it's all the same, but for some reason I can't shut that damn voice off in my mind! I've decided to alter my diet plan to allow for low-fat, low-calorie snacks as treats, so that I don't bite someone's head off at the slightest irritation, which have been happening more and more these days..I couldn't understand if I was getting my period again (after a year of not having it) or if the no-sugar diet is now starting to get to me..

I redeemed myself today though, hubby and baby and I went out for lunch and I had a greek steak wrap with side salad and iced tea and most importantly NO DESSERT. If I've gained nothing else from this diet it's that I don't always need dessert, and if I just give it 10-15 minutes after I've eaten, most times I'm not wanting it anymore anyway..Also, as a breastfeeding parent, not only do I need more calories, but I need more nutrition in my diet. This plan has taught me to eat more fruits and vegetables, yogurt, whole grains etc. Regardless if I'm dieting or not, my mealplan should include those foods because they are good for my growing baby as well. I know this sounds like I'm giving up, but I'm not...it's more of a pick-me-up as to why I am doing this in the first place..but also, of course, to shed those unwanted pounds..

I have to say, during my aerobic class tonight I actually looked at my profile in the mirror as I was lifting the weights, and I (almost) liked what I saw. Success is not far off, which was a motivator in itself..although I could use a bit of a tan, but hey, one thing at a time!

So no longer am I counting the days I've gone without junk food, because if it's a number I'm focused on, than it's not setting me up for a life-change, but yet a contest that has an expiry date..I'll forever be looking for the day I can eat sweets again, whereas I'd rather go day by day, hoping not to cheat, and rewarding myself every once in awhile if I have done really well, but definitely not rewarding myself everyday...

Oh and P.S, my goal this week is to walk every day with my baby girl.

2009-08-07T19:21:00.000-07:00

I cheated today. But it's not as bad as you'd think...I went to the gym for the noon hour class, which was great, and I am VERY sore from going 5 days this week..ouch!!! After the class I went through a drive-thru and got a salad (don't worry!) and ran some arrands. Once I got home I spent the afternoon weeding the garden while the baby slept in her carseat in the shade. Once the baby woke up we came back inside to get out of the sun and I was really craving something sweet to eat. So I decided to eat one of those 100calorie granola bars with a banana yogurt. Even after that I was still craving something sweet so I decided to drink a diet coke and to keep my mind off of it I went for a long walk with the baby and my Mom. That took until dinner time, and then hubby made chicken burgers (I seem to be eating a lot of those these days). I cut up some cucumbers and tomatoes to get my fill of veggies, and we also had some macaroni salad. I know I know it's not the healthiest thing but it's just so darn delicious! After dinner hubby went to play baseball and that craving krept back up again...I even called my parents and asked if I could come for a visit, thinking it would kill time and keep my mind from thinking of all that sweet stuff; like ice cream, or chocolate or cookies..I could go on and on..

I got to my parents house at around 7pm and they were happy to see me and the baby (of course). But that feeling was still not going away. I had a glass of wine with my Mom but it still wasn't getting rid of that taste..so here it is, the cheat #1... my Mom offered me some of her "Weight Watchers" treats..which is chocolate wafer cookies with whip cream in the middle, frozen so as to taste like an ice cream sandwich..I had two. They were absolutely delicious. BUT (not that I'm justifying my action) they are aparently worth only 1 point my Mom says, whatever that means, it sounds good to me.. The baby was getting tired so we came home around 8:30pm, I fed her, changed her and put her to bed..and there it was again...that craving..wanting...needing something sweet to eat...you would think I was getting my period but I haven't had that in over a year now..maybe it's a sign that it's coming back...ughhh I hope not..

So here it comes; cheat #2. I snuggled down on the couch to watch a cheesy girly movie that was on TV and couldn't resist making a peppermint tea with some baby cookies..ok don't laugh..really don't laugh..but this has always been a tasty treat for me for whatever reason..I think it's because they have little calories, they aren't too sweet and so I don't eat too many of them. However, it fixed that craving (for the most part) so I can go to sleep happy and be back on track again tomorrow..hopefully...

August 06th - So Sore!

2009-08-06T18:12:00.001-07:00

I had planned to be at the gym for the 9am class this morning (as I did last week but didn't make it) however this morning I woke up at 8am got in the shower right away and actually thought I might make it in time. It wasn't until I was out of the shower and ready that I realized I still had to feed and change the baby and it was already 20 minutes to the class, which is 15 minutes away so I just didn't have the time. I didn't let that stop me though, I called the gym and asked if the daycare had room for the 10am class, which they did! So instead I took that extra hour to get the baby ready and to make sure I hadn't forgotten anything and we made it for 10am. Wow what a class! This was a Pilates / Yoga based class, which I thought I would be pretty good at considering all the videos I have been doing at home, but ha! It was EXTREMELY difficult but rewarding. I was proud of myself for sticking with it the whole class, not to mention sticking with each individual move....wow did it burn..
After the class I had my Mom group which is usually a time to indulge in treats that each Mom brings. I grabbed a coffee enroute and stuck to the fruits and veggies and some pita bread with hummus. I did however have a small slice of chocolate zuccini bread, but only because one of the Mom's had tried a new recipe and I didn't want to be rude by not trying it..the truth is that I didn't even really like it... After the group I came home put the baby to sleep and made some lunch, which was a veggie pie. Although I bought these because I figured they would be healthy, yet today I looked at the health content and it actually had 690 calories! I was shocked and must say that was the last of those for awhile...I justified it by the extra calories needed for breastfeeding, but still it must not be healthy.

For dinner tonight my husband and I went to a restaurant down on the lake by our house. It has been raved as being an expensive restaurant with great food, however only the first half was true. I had the veal parmasan with spaghetti which tasted like I could've cooked it from home, and my husband got the steak (med. rare) but there was no blood on the plate at all, and when I asked he said it was because it was still uncooked on the inside. Eww..$100 later, and no dessert I might add, we decided never to return there again. Ugghh. On the way home I suggested that we go to the ice cream shop and I would get a frozen yogurt..Hubby said he really just wanted to go home, bless his heart, which changed my mind also so we skipped on the dessert idea. I sometimes wonder if he's doing that just to help me out, or if he really just didn't want the ice cream. Either way, it gave me a moment to think about my impulse idea and once I got home, fed the baby and bathed her then finally put her to bed, dessert had long since left my mind.

I must say I am getting a little discouraged which is probably why I am wanting to cheat now. It's been 10 days of no junk food, and 4 days straight of going to the gym, with at least 3 days per week before that for the past couple of months. The scale has still not budged. I know that I haven't been as choosy with my meals but I am worried about breastmilk drying up if I cut out too many foods. And if I really think about my choices, today for example; For breakfast I had an organic cereal with 1% milk and a coffee, snacked on fruits, veggies and pita with hummus throughout the day, lunch was the mistake today with too many calories for the veggie pie. Dinner I should've chosen the salmon salad I guess, and a glass of white wine probably didn't do any favors. STILL, it's not like I'm having donuts for breakfast, pizza for lunch and cheeseburgers for dinner...

Somethings gotta give sometime soon...right?

August 4th - Just a Number?

2009-08-05T13:07:00.000-07:00

I'm now over the one week hump of no junk food. I've also been attending classes at the gym every day this week. I have to say I'm a little sore but it feels so good to know I'm burning off that baby weight! I get a little depressed when I see the tiny 20 year olds in the class that don't have babies or extra weight to lose, and they look so good in their tank top and shorts..I want to be able to look that good, but for now I'm not even going to attempt to wear shorts anywhere but to bed! Maybe that could be another goal of mine, to wear shorts at the gym; although I think I would need a spray-on tan too cause these legs have not seen daylight for a very loooong time.

My eating habits are improving as I start to decipher what is considered 'junk'. I'm trying new recipes and trying to fill myself up on lots of fruits and vegetables. I'm surprized I'm not going to the bathroom much more now, but that department seems to be holding steady. I AM a little dissapointed in the scale I must say. I thought for sure I would be down a couple of pounds but the scale hasn't budged. I am trying not to let that discourage me though. More incentive I guess....

I almost cheated today after lunch, I was just so exhausted from the class and starving that I wolfed down some left over chilli that left me with a spicy aftertaste that needed to be fixed with something sweet. I went to the kitchen hoping to grab a handful of chocolate chips all the while trying to justify it in my mind.."well it's not even a real food so how can it be that bad?" "I'll only take a couple, it's better than a cookie"..and when I got to the kitchen I decided that if I have to justify then it's probably not a good choice. So instead I drank a can of diet coke (to get the sweetness I was craving) and ate a banana yogurt.

I decided last night to set a weekly goal which would give me smaller milestones and help to get me through to the final goal. So this week the goal would be to go to the gym every day. So far, I did a class Monday night, Tuesday night, and today at lunch. I have two days left (I don't count weekends) so I'm really hoping I can pull it off. Thursdays are always a hard day for me because the class is at 9am which is just way too early for anyone with a baby.. BUT I am really going to try because I want to lose this weight!

Overall I'm feeling good though and people at the gym have been noticing the change. Perhaps it's on an energetic level first and that is making me seem thinner..who knows. All I know is that I'm going to keep working until I see that number on the scale go DOWN..

Stay tuned...

July 31 - August 03 - The Camp

2009-08-03T17:42:00.000-07:00

We decided to go camping up north at our trailer for the long weekend. Aside from some rainy / cloudy weather it was a nice weekend spent with family. On Friday I did the grocery shopping and make an effort to buy lots of fresh fruits and vegetables so I wouldn't be tempted to eat the regular camping junk food (i.e chips, cookies, marshmallows etc.). So Friday we arrived at the camp around dinner time although I had already eaten a Veggie sandwich on the way so I wasn't hungry. We had an early night where we had a quick fire and the whole family was in bed by 10:00pm.

Saturday was overcast, and I woke up early with the baby and had a coffee and bowl of cereal (in sticking with my regular routine). My inlaws arrived at the camp for a visit around lunch time so we made sandwiches and ate them outside as the sun finally came out. We played bocce ball and catch in the afternoon as the sun came and went. I cut up tons of veggies to eat with dip and put out some trail mix and peaches to nibble on. I surprized myself by actually picking out the m&m's in the trail mix! My willpower has never been stronger and that too is surprizing me. I think this blog is helping me stay accountable. My husband walked down to the little store at the park and came back with a bag of gummie candies, and again I was shocked when I didn't even eat one! I went for several long walks with our neighbor and made sure to snack only on the fruit and veggies in between meals.

For dinner we ate chicken burgers on pita buns with salad and delicious grilled veggies. I had bought a pasta salad but filled up so much on the vegetables that I didn't even have any. Infact, nobody did. I'm starting to see that my decision to do this is leaking into other's lives and I'm happy I can be a positive influence on them.

After dinner it started to pour rain which left us with nothing to do but watch movies in the trailer. Normally that would be the perfect time to break out a bag of chips but I didn't! I DID however have a glass of red wine and some watermelon which I thought was the perfect ending to a nice family day.

Sunday morning my inlaws left after breakfast (which again was coffee and cereal). Hubby and I decided to spend one more day as the sun was shining and it was looking to be a great day with just eachother and the baby. We did some work around the trailer and walked down to the beach. We spent a lot of time cleaning up from the night before and overall just enjoying eachothers company, and of course our baby girl's too. She's so alert now! She is rolling all over the place and grasping on to just about everything. I get so happy when I see how much she's growing. But it's also a reminder that I want to be healthy for her so that we can do activities together and I can be a good role model for her when she's ready to eat solid foods.

This morning we basically woke up and left and I've been picking at (healthy) snacks all day. Overall the weekend went really well and I was proud of myself for not choosing to cheat simply because I was on 'vacation'. I allowed myself one frozen fruit puree (kind of like a popsicle) and a couple of marshmallows on the Sunday night that we roasted. I did that more because of the fun of it that the actual taste, and to be honest they gave me a belly-ache.

I can't believe it's (finally) been a successful week of no junk and I feel good, not great. I guess I was expecting a huge loss on the scale, where that department has changed at all. I also expected an instant flat tummy and toned arms and that I wouldn't even miss the sweets. ha! Well I'm also surprized to say that it is getting a little easier to skip on the treats, and that I'm really enjoying branching out to new foods and new forms of exercise. Tonight I did a new class at the gym which was muscle conditioning. All I can say is OUCH! My arms are already hurting and it's only been 3 hours since the class..I'm not looking forward to tomorrow morning when I probably won't be able to lift my baby girl!

July 30th - A Slight Bump...

2009-07-30T18:53:00.000-07:00

Today started out all wrong..I had planned to go to the gym for the 9am class. I even pre-booked my baby girl in the daycare. But 8am rolled around and I opened my eyes to find that my husband put the baby in bed beside me. She was still asleep so I didn't want to wake her. I also decided right then and there that I wasn't going to go to the gym, and then I regretted the decision for the rest of the day. Although I slightly redeemed myself by still sticking to the no junk food plan (for the 4th day I might add). A group of my girlfriends all seemed to have the day off today so we met up for lunch at a restaurant on the lake. I suggested we walk from my house which took around 10 minutes. I was proud of myself for ordering a Greek salad and a water with lemon, while actually most of the others too ordered salads. It surprized me, and I wondered if it was easy for the others to be healthy. Could it be that I'm the only one that struggles with this? Was anyone else dying to order french fries or pizza, or hey even dessert? I watched them intently as they chewed their lettuce leaves to see if that was satisfaction in their eyes, or were they secretly toughing it out like me.

We walked back after lunch and spent the rest of the afternoon sitting outside in the sunshine while the baby slept in the shade beside me. It was a wonderful afternoon spent with friends, and I can actually say the time went by so fast I didn't even think about snacking. I allowed myself a Diet Coke as my 'treat' for the afternoon along with a banana and a yogurt. One thing I'm learning from this diet is to branch out and try other things. I even bought grapes and green onion from the grocery store, two things I have never purchased before. Not that either are very exotic, but to me they were a new step. Maybe by this time next year you will hear me saying I bought some guava and kumkwat.

For dinner a friend and I walked up to the grocery store with the baby and bought some pasta, vegetables and shrimp with an alfredo sauce. Yes I know alfredo sauce is not the healthiest, but I justified it by not having any dessert. That's the whole thing right? Cutting out the desserts and unnecessary snacks while maintaining a workout routine. I feel like I'm constantly justifying myself in this blog which leads me to be more cautious of my choices. I guess the important thing to note is that even if I have a slip up, a slight bump in the road like this mornings sleep-in, it's still a journey and that I shouldn't quit, but use it as a motivation to work twice as hard tomorrow.

All the fresh air made the baby sleepy so she fell asleep after her bath at 8:00pm and I was able to clean the house and regroup before another busy day tomorrow.
Who knew Mat Leave would be so busy!

July 29th - The Debate

2009-07-29T13:21:00.000-07:00

3 Days with no junk! I feel better today than I did yesterday. I went grocery shopping and stocked up on all kinds of fruits and vegetables so that I wouldn't have the excuse of having nothing else to eat. Early this morning I had to take my cat to the Animal Hospital, so my sister-in-law watched the baby. On the way home I stopped for coffee and was very tempted to get pastries (but didn't!). I thought long and hard on the way home about how I could either use the vet appt. as an excuse to go off-track, or I could stick to my plan regardless of the situation. This came up again as I contemplated going to the gym for the noon-hour class. I thought 'well they ARE supposed to call me and so I SHOULD probably stay by the phone..' Again I thought about that being an excuse not to exercise and so I called the Animal Hospital back and told them I would be unavailable from noon to 1:00pm and they would have to call my husband instead in that time. The class was great, I broke a very good sweat and was very glad afterwards that I went.

For lunch I made a veggie pie (with ketchup, but remember I'm not dieting I'm just cutting out the junk!) Which lead me to debate in my mind for most of the afternoon what was considered 'junk'. I decided I needed to be clear on this if I was going to continue this journey, and the whole breastfeeding thing kept playing a huge role in this internal discussion. So, is ketchup junk? It does have a lot of sugar, but it's not like I eat a cup full or anything.. I decided ketchup and other condiments were allowed; at least right now until I'm ok with cutting out the others. I'll reevaluate once I have this part down-pat.

I went for a walk with a friend in the afternoon because I decided that there's never too much exercise one can do in the day..unless you overexert yourself, but walking would be fine. So we walked down to the lake, stopped in at a few shops and I even bought a dress I am hoping to wear to a concert we are going to next month. I bought the dress in a small, which fit in the dressing room but could fit a whole lot better! I decided this would be my target-outfit. On any other day I would've suggested that we get an ice cream cone, but I shut that voice off in my head and tried to visualize my stomache bouncing around under my top as I pushed the stroller over the boardwalk. That image allowed me to leave the ice cream shop alone.

I've decided to allow myself Diet Coke, sugar and cream in my coffee, and fruity chewy granola bars (the light ones) as well as yogurt which is pretty healthy anyway.

I've actually started thinking of ways I could pretend to have good treats. I even thought about freezing some orange juice into a popsicle or making a shake with my yogurt and fruit. This made me consider that I may actually have an addiction with junk food. It's the habit not the actual thing I'm addicted to. If I can just substitute it with something else then I'll be fine...stay tuned to see if that pans out...

July 28th - The Moodiness Sets In

2009-07-28T18:43:00.000-07:00

Second day with no junk, and I can actually feel the moodiness setting in. I'm trying not take it out on others, as it's clearly my own thing I'm going through. Also, the lack of sleep last night from going out with my girlfriends probably didn't help! Even though it's only been two days of no sugar I already noticed a few differences; I had more energy in my aerobics class however I had a lot more sweat. This could be because a) I was working harder or b) I am drinking more water? Either way, it felt great to do the class and not feel totally exhausted by the end of it. I also did another yoga video this morning while the baby had her nap. I'm hoping to continue this as it puts me in a good mood, gets my blood moving, and gets me going on the day.

Going out last night and seeing all the 20-something girls in their cutesty outfits and flat abs was definitely a motivator, and I believe it's the only thing holding me back from mowing down on a box of cookies. I saw my trainer at the bar last night and told him about the 'no junk food' diet. He said that the last weigh-in for my team is this week and gave me a sort-of pep talk, but I had the feeling he didn't have much faith in me.

I guess the hardest part of this is knowing that I need extra calories because of the breast-feeding, and so I'm not supposed to be dieting. It's a hard thing to wrap your head around eating healthy but not cutting out necessities.

July 27th - This isn't going to be easy

2009-07-27T16:19:00.000-07:00

My first day with no junk food...Today was difficult. I awoke feeling good about my decision though and the mere thought of it was my motivator all day. For breakfast I had my usual bowl of cereal and coffee (can't give that up!) fed the baby and decided to do a yoga video. I made a conscious decision not to turn on the TV all morning and instead spent the better half of the morning playing with my baby girl. What a wonderful time we had! Went out for lunch with my Mom and sister (along with her baby too) which I'm not going to lie was VERY difficult. I drooled at the Diet Coke but settled on a water and lemon instead. Made a safe choice with a grilled chicken sandwich and side salad which was fairly satifying. It didn't hit me until after the meal how desperately I wanted something sweet. When the waitress brought the bill I tore into the mint package and sucked that sweet candy so hard I thought my tooth was going to decay on the spot. I had sweets on my mind all afternoon so I decided to chew a peice of gum and take the baby for a long walk to get my mind off of it..This worked for the most part. Then for dinner I made sandwiches and again drank some water (blech). It's the post-meal time that's the hardest. I decided for dessert to cut up some fresh strawberries (which I would usually pour sugar on) and ate them as-is, and surprizingly didn't notice much of a difference! It's evening now, and I am going out for a few drinks with my girlfriends whily hubby watches the baby. I've managed to find a little black dress that makes me feel good and hides all the bad parts. So while my friends sip on wine and beer I'll be having the water and lemon or maybe even to treat myself on such a successful first day, a Diet Coke.

The Start

2009-07-26T18:34:00.000-07:00

I'm new to this whole blogging thing but figured I would give it a try.

Firstly let me just say that I don't think for a second that I'm interesting enough for others to read my posts and find any interest in it at all. The reason for doing this is to keep me motivated and accountable for losing my baby weight, tracking my journey into motherhood while I attempt to find my old self again, and mesh this person with my new 'motherly role'. Somewhere inside I know this person exists, and I figured this blog would keep me on track and help to document the transformation.

So here goes.

I'm a new mother to a 4 month old. She's an absolute beauty and the (2nd) love of my life. I am liking being a mother and can honestly say that instantly I felt a connection with her, and cannot think of my life without her now that she is here. My struggle I guess is that now that I have this new role, I feel as though I've lost the old me, and not to mention the size of the old me. In total in my pregnancy I gained 40lbs. It's been 3 months of going to the gym at least 3-4 times a week (my first month I didn't exercise), yet with no dieting at all. I lost 15lbs immediately after having my daughter, and afterwhich I have lost a total of 7lbs. That's it; a measly 7lbs! I even signed up for a "Biggest Loser" challenge at the gym, but am embarrassed to say that I've cheated when telling the trainer that I weigh myself at home. The truth is that I do weigh myself at home, every day infact, but I then document my lowest weight for the week. Even if the number on the scale goes up by the end of the week. I know this is cheating and I am so mad at myself for doing that.

What I'm hoping this blog will do for me is make me accountable for my actions. I want so desperately to feel good in my clothes again, and to be a happy healthy Mom for my new baby girl.